Guilty and ashamed
I never realised how toxic I am until recently, and I’m sure you’ll all hate me for this. I’m quite a controlling girlfriend, I’ve made my boyfriend block girls on social media, stop talking to friends that are girls, he’s not allowed to go out drinking without me, he has to give me his phone whenever I want it and I scroll through and look at everything, I make him ditch his friends for me. He’s desperate and so am I really.
But recently I saw him talking to a girl, and obviously I asked him about it and he said she was just from his class, and I told him not to talk to her again, but then I seen him the other day talking to her again and he hugged her when they went to leave. I had a huge argument with him and left him, I ghosted him for a week, and during that week I cheated on him. I was at a club and a really attractive guy was hitting on me, and that happens a lot to me but I’m very used to saying no I have a boyfriend, but this time I was so mad at him that I told the guy I was single, so him and I fucked at the club, then went back to his place and fucked a couple times, the morning after as well and I gave him a bj, we kept in contact met up the next day too, I felt as if I was just getting back at him.
It wasn’t until a day later I felt so guilty that I could barely look in the mirror. My bf had been calling me non stop but I didn’t know how to act. He was super desperate and sorry, and to make sure I got him back and under my thumb I acted as if he was in the wrong, and told him to apologise in person and promise he won’t speak to her again, which he did. He worships me and treats me like a queen now and is obviously scared of losing me, but he doesn’t know I betrayed him.
Every time he says he loves me and looks so happy with me I feel overwhelming guilt knowing I cheated on him. Part of me thinks he’s so desperate that he’d forgive me and still apologise, but that just makes me feel sympathetic to him. I can’t tell him.. idk how else to atone for what I’ve done though. I feel like some common dirty slut and I hate myself for it