Cousin sickness

I think I’m in love with my cousin I’m 3 years older (female). It’s shameful to say, I should probably add context that I was S/A’d by a cousin when I was a kid. (He was much older than me) I grew up isolated and even though I hated that cousin who did that to me. I was so sheltered and had no one to talk to at family events my mother found out about it and got mad saying that if I did say something I would tear the family apart. It was traumatizing enough to bottle it up and try to go on like nothing happened. Even though I did keep glaring avoiding him and physically attacking/ flailing as much as I could when he came around me. He would unfortunately gaslight me for years after and made me believe that it never happened. I started to doubt myself and I almost believed it was a dream. Slowly he started being someone I talked to occasionally at family functions because he was the only one who would approach me to talk to me. Then every time I started believing it was in my head he would show those predetory vibes again and his angry overpowering side of his obvious discontent at my hesitation to like him (as a person). It was fucked up. Anyways .. there’s much more awfulness to this but moving on. My hidden secret is that what started as a younger (different) cousin seemed to have a innocent crush on me and I noticed it but didn’t pay it much mind i appreciated the innocent adoration. I grew up pretty traumatized and I was failing hard at normal relationships, scared of men, trust issues, Unexpectedly some years later we were at a family function and that same predatory cousin enticed me to a drink. Stupid I know I was again very outcasted depressed suicidal and gas lighted. I ended up sleeping over and this innocent adoring cousin turned into a handsome flirt. He had a very charming face, showered me with attention and adoration. I loved his smile and he knew ways how to cheer me up when I was down.. we were easily each others favorites. We ended up sleeping on the floor together and he kissed me.. I still get flustered about it. I hesitated but I don’t know if it was the drink or the heat but I kissed him back. I knew I wanted him. Things got intimate and honestly I felt intensely infatuated with him. We continued to kiss and get intimate whenever we could. We kept saying I love you and sweet love names I can’t even say to my husband (yeah, I’m married and ashamed this is still affecting me or ever happened. We weren’t married at this time though) I honestly believed I loved him and we would get married. Fucking crazy I know logically I know that’s insane and warped. Our families would be shocked ashamed and mad. I feel absolutely sick about it. Guilt settled on after a facing hard truths. I broke it off with apologies after keeping a secret long distance relationship. He left all social media and I lost contact.. I had serious issues with mental health and body wise like my body breaking down not a day going but not reliving that truth with incapability to move on. Thinking of him resenting me as much as I resented myself. I saw him today after many years.. I found myself afraid and wanting to puke but he was so kind he hugged me and I … couldn’t believe it.. I felt so relieved that things were normal again but I found myself still feeling guilty and fear unable to talk to him one on one afraid what he’d say.. I’m also afraid I’m still in love.. I tried being normal and not doing anything that might make him uncomfortable.. I .. found myself unable to stop looking at him looking for him. Was it that I was worried? I was told he had heart issues now he almost died.. I wish I could ask him and catch up tell him I care about him. Today was my shot and I ruined it I feel, when he outcasted himself he seemed sad and I wanted to talk to him but I was scared.. I also meet a new cousin this day as well and he was very kind and bought me plushies while we were all hanging out he’s just likes to splurge apparently.. I was embarrassed I left my card and I was very red that he was buying expensive plushies for me, not allowing me to say no. It was interesting to meet a new cousin but I wonder if my intimate cousin grew cold due to jealousy or suspicion? Detest ? which I can’t say.. he was cold after that.. off.. I’m married but i found myself having intrusive thoughts about forbidden love rekindling . I know it’s wrong, it’s a disaster if we do still have feelings either one of us. I think I might have left over intense feelings for him.. I’m scared of him hating me and I’m scared of him possibly being in love with me still and embracing me.. I’d be weak for him and my face and thoughts would betray me .. foul to say so..I think constantly of our families disappointment and my unfaithfulness to my marriage in thoughts and emotion.. reasoning w/myself that it is probably just a warped mistaken interpretation of love.. I want so badly to mend our relationship but I’m scared of my feelings and thoughts betraying me and impulses flaring or his disdain for me becoming apparent and me wanting to die.. he feels so dangerous to approach yet it feels important to, I feel I need to.. I love him genuinely and that’s why I want to set things right in a healthy way, . for myself, for my husband, and him .. I want a normal peaceful love filled life for us all. my husband knows but he doesn’t know how deep it runs., I’ve thought of divorcing from guilt and shame but I also love the sweet love and life I have with him and I do care for him truly and try my best to challenge my fears and doubts daily. I do love him.. truly.. even though I feel I have no right saying that or feel anyone would believe it.. I know this taboo romance between my cousin and I is wrong and that’s why I’ve wrote this down.. I’m troubled that I’m still feeling residue feeling.. do i just leave him alone and just ignore it all commit to solidifying distance for what seems to me to be healthy restraint or be brave and try to reach for a mending if hearts and hope it doesn’t go horribly wrong. I’d greatly appreciate a compassionate heart. Please no hate I hate myself plenty I promise..

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