Given Up. I Guess This Is My Life Now.

I hate to say it, but I’ve given up on dating. Given up on love, given up on romance. Given up on life-partnership. I dated one guy in high school for two years, dated a second guy in college for 5, and have had two short stints of relationships with random guys I sort of met through mutual friends. After my 5 year relationship, I didn’t know how to date, didn’t know how to even communicate with other guys.

I’m a woman who falls fast and loves hard. I used to have issues around being too jealous, but that was my main thing. With the last two guys who I had relationships with, they were both only in it for “casual dating,” something I didn’t know and didn’t understand. I had grown up with the idea that you date to marry and date long term- each relationship had to be worked on for at least a year or half a year to really see if it would work and in that time, you experienced all the regular tensions and conflicts you might in a marriage.

Long story short, I jumped into those two relationships full throttle. I was affectionate and gave my all to those two. Two men who only took advantage of my kindness and pushed me away because of it. I felt bitter, used. Anyways, it’s been six months since those two relationships. It’s been almost a year since the five year relationship. I’ve met multiple people who’ve expressed interest in me and who I’ve been interested in. I’ve turned them all down. I don’t think it’s that I don’t feel ready for a relationship. I think I could be ready for a relationship, my emotions are steady and I don’t worry too much about things that used to be issues.

Now to the confession aspect.

With the few people I’ve been interested in that have also expressed interest in me, I find a number of them extremely attractive. And even though I’ve settled on not dating anymore in my lifetime, it doesn’t mean I don’t bring out my vibrator every so often— every day— to help my situation and the way I feel. But it’s gotten bad. It’s gotten to the point that I can watch or consume any kind of pornographic content that I want to, but I can never finish unless I’m thinking about these couple of specific people.

I wish I didn’t feel like this, but they’re just so so attractive. And I know they would treat me right. I know that if this guy asked me out or we started dating— I know that I would be privy to absolute Princess treatment.. It’s hard to think about. Because I’ve been interested in him for so long and because we’ve been friends during this time and getting to know each other, it’s difficult to control this feeling.. I want to control the feeling. I want to not think about his voice to get off every night. I wish I didn’t have to listen to him talk overall, with the same voice that plays through my head and brings my whole body to orgasm.

He’ll never read this. He’ll never find it. But part of me just needs some other person in the world to know that I’m a pathetic whimpering loser for this guy I’ll never have.

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