Art model turned prostitute

So here goes. I was molested by my uncle when I was about 12. Lasted about a year or so. Its left me pretty messed up with terrible self esteem. I started working out at about 15 and have done a good job at getting pretty buffed out. But its just a mask to cover my insecurities. Its like my self esteem is all about if I look good. I have always felt inferior and damaged since, and never told anyone.

One day while in college I cut thru the art building to get to another class and saw an ad looking for art models for an evening open sketch. It triggered something weird deep inside, a desire or demand to be stripped naked and objectified again like when I was a kid. I got into it for the wrong reasons but darned if it wasn't a turn on. I loved being admired, objectified and being at the center of attention. Often someone, always males artists, would suggest "dynamic" or "athletic" revealing poses when the group dwindled down at the end of a session. It was hot but it wasn't enough to fill my void, so I started answering ads looking for guys to pose for private photoshoots. It was hot, really hot to do naughty things for a guy taking pics of you. But still, it wasn't enough.

One thing has led to another and now I guess I'm also a part-time prostitute as well as a part-time art model. I have a couple of regular "photographers" who pay me to strip for them while they feel me up, do kinky things to me and take photos. Then I get them off. Its weird, them paying me frees my inhibitions to do stuff with a guy I would never do just for fun. Its such a rush that someone will pay me so they can use me for their sexual pleasure.

I know I'm reliving my abuse because what I am doing is so similar to what happened to me, but those first sexual experiences were my "normal" even if they were anything but normal. I want to stop but don't know how. I do stop for a few months at a time but then this needy craving to be used comes over me and I end doing it all over again. I'm sure I need a therapist but I so fear rejection or judgment I cant do it. No one in the world knows I do this.

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  • I'm a therapist, and here's my advice in a nut shell. It's completely understandable that you would get off this way. One way for you to help it not pull you is to understand that, "You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need will never satisfy you.'

    So if you are looking for a point where you say, OK now I've had enough, I won't do this anymore. It's not going to happen very likely. It's not like Thanksgiving where you eat so much that you are full and don't want anymore.

    Once you realize that you are not going to ever be full and satisfied in that manner, you can stop trying to get to the "end" where you've had enough. Once there is no goal to reach the end of it and have enough, it feels a little pointless to keep trying to reach it, and stop.

    In a regular relationship that isn't reliving trauma, you can get satisfied and feel you have enough to satiate you. But the trauma sex won't ever fill you up. You can't get to the end.

  • Tell us about how as a therapist you took advantage and had sex with clients

  • I really appreciate your advice. You hit it right on the head. No amount of trauma sex is making me feel whole or makes me have some resolution. It just leaves me empty and ashamed afterward. But then these guys who I let use me work their manipulative ways and I'm back to doing degrading things again.

    Its like there is two sides me just like there seems to be two sides in the comments on my confession: one side is rational and understanding and on the other side its this push to make me do stuff I know isn't healthy but is temporarily intoxicating.

  • I modeled in college also and also posed privately. I would get so turned when I did it and let many of the painters have sex with me.

  • Many? Wow! It is hot being on display like that isn't it? I was on a few art model forums and thought I was weird for getting turned on. The other models would be saying how nonsexual it is and its all for the sake of art blah blah. Thanks for letting me someone else gets turned on doing it. In figure drawing sessions it can get a little erotic but never outright sexual and many times its just hard work. I have privately modeled for a number of artists and it never got obviously sexual until I started doing photoshoots.

  • Psychology is so complicated. I was sexually abused in a shed by 3 older teenage boys (l am a male, also) they made me perform oral sex on them.
    Now as an adult l appear to be a successful, respectful businessman, but l secretly anonymously suck cock after cock and swallow load after load.

    I say indulge but limit yourself. Charge a higher price and have fewer select clients.

  • I was kind of thinking about asking for more. I only have two patrons who I let do this but they do expect frequent encounters. I don't have much time outside my real job for much more than these two guys want. I'm pretty sure they would pay more but then I wonder if they would expect me to do stuff I don't want to do.

  • Remember, you are in control and set the limits. Plus, you will earn more being straight than gay if your patrons are queer, so refuse whatever you want for that reason.

  • Wow. You seem to know a bit about this. Here I thought I was alone in my crazy thoughts and actions. They do like how I am straight but gay for pay and also bigger and stronger than them but still submissive. Its so crazy.

    I have to say it is really hot to do this stuff but also causes me a lot of shame.

  • Deep down you are ashamed and refuse to admit you like cock. You say you are straight and cling to that, but it’s a lie.

  • This is not about where he is on the sexuality spectrum, this is about marketing. As l said, they pay more for straight.

  • My natural orientation is toward women but I sure have gone down a road I never saw coming. Thing is I can't hook up guys or have encounters unless I'm being paid to do so. It frees me from my inhibitions and makes me want to do stuff.

    I admit I know really find cocks sexy. I really to suck on them and make them cum. My two patrons have really big nice clean dicks.

  • Do you cut yourself?

  • No nothing like that. It weird because I place so much of my self esteem to try to look good I wouldn't do something that knowingly takes away from it.

  • Do not cut yourself, please.

  • Most cutters do it in places nobody can see. The pain from the cut and watching the blood flow relieves the mental pain.

  • I kind of understand why cutters do that. Its a control thing too I think. I only really feel in control when I'm doing the crazy stuff I'm doing. Maybe that's why I cant stop.

  • Try some light cutting. Upper arm where nobody can see it.

  • No dont try some “light cutting” all that poster is a sick freak getting off on your pain! ignore the fucker, that person is just as bad as your uncle, out to get no satisfaction but there own. please ignore the scum!

  • Have you tried it? She will this evening.

  • Thank you for helping out on that. I don't think cutting is right for me. And sorry I'm not a she.

  • Well cutting is not the only option.

  • What do you mean?

  • There are other ways to take control besides cutting....want to know more?

  • Hmmm, ok sure.

  • I hope things look up. A therapist would be good

  • A Therapist would probably take advantage and use him for sex too.

  • If I ever do get a therapist it wouldn't be a guy. It would be pretty hard to let another guy in a position of trust over me. I imagine that could happen.

  • Fantasize about it? You tell him your thoughts, you get vulnerable and he uses that to control you, which is want you want.

  • I do need to be controlled, manipulated and used like a sex toy by guys. I can't seem to get away from it. I could so see it happening if I went into therapy with a guy. I would just submit if they manipulated or flattered me into it. Most likely it wouldn't happen since I think most therapists are good people but who knows.

  • Thank you. I agree but crazy thing the side of me doing this is stronger than the side of me that knows better.

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