Art model turned prostitute
So here goes. I was molested by my uncle when I was about 12. Lasted about a year or so. Its left me pretty messed up with terrible self esteem. I started working out at about 15 and have done a good job at getting pretty buffed out. But its just a mask to cover my insecurities. Its like my self esteem is all about if I look good. I have always felt inferior and damaged since, and never told anyone.
One day while in college I cut thru the art building to get to another class and saw an ad looking for art models for an evening open sketch. It triggered something weird deep inside, a desire or demand to be stripped naked and objectified again like when I was a kid. I got into it for the wrong reasons but darned if it wasn't a turn on. I loved being admired, objectified and being at the center of attention. Often someone, always males artists, would suggest "dynamic" or "athletic" revealing poses when the group dwindled down at the end of a session. It was hot but it wasn't enough to fill my void, so I started answering ads looking for guys to pose for private photoshoots. It was hot, really hot to do naughty things for a guy taking pics of you. But still, it wasn't enough.
One thing has led to another and now I guess I'm also a part-time prostitute as well as a part-time art model. I have a couple of regular "photographers" who pay me to strip for them while they feel me up, do kinky things to me and take photos. Then I get them off. Its weird, them paying me frees my inhibitions to do stuff with a guy I would never do just for fun. Its such a rush that someone will pay me so they can use me for their sexual pleasure.
I know I'm reliving my abuse because what I am doing is so similar to what happened to me, but those first sexual experiences were my "normal" even if they were anything but normal. I want to stop but don't know how. I do stop for a few months at a time but then this needy craving to be used comes over me and I end doing it all over again. I'm sure I need a therapist but I so fear rejection or judgment I cant do it. No one in the world knows I do this.