I kind of turned into a prostitute
So I was molested as a kid by my uncle. I hated it before and after, but in the moment the physical sensation on an 12-year boy going thru puberty was intense. It left me very ashamed and withdrawn with terrible self-esteem. My self-esteem to this day is just low to this day with constant doubts.
I started working out with weights to try get stronger and bigger and it worked. By the time I was 16 I was more muscular than most kids my age. But the terrible self-esteem remained. I felt unattractive even though girls seemed liked me and I had a number of girl friends. After high school I started college and kept working out and if I figured if didn't feel good about myself at least I could look good. My grades sucked.
One day I was walking thru the art department and saw an ad on the posting board looking for figure drawing models. Something made me just want to do it. Like I wanted people to see me and admire me to make me feel good. It worked for a while. I loved being the center of attention and being objectified, although I didn't know why but I instinctively connected it to my getting molested.
After a while I started getting offers from artists to pose for them solo. Most were legit but often these were just them wanted to pretend to draw while checking me out. Then I got an offers do "private" photo shoots. At first I turned them down but I got so turned on by the idea and did it. It It was so hot and seeing those naughty images of me just made me crazy. I started answering ads in Craigslist and others online ads to model. I met a couple "photographers" who asked to do a little more than just take photos. I let them touch and it hit me... this is just like what my uncle did.
I can't help myself now. These guys pay me to come to their house and please them. I do the same stuff my uncle made me do and even more. It's like they knew I would do these things I didn't know I could ever do. In the moment I am intoxicated but after I am ashamed and try to stop. But then I get needy again to objectified and to please them and I answer their call.
One of them wants me to do even more degrading things. He keeps sending me stories of what he wants to do to me and it really turns me on. I want to stop but don't know how.