I just can't say no

First off, I cheat on my husband. In some ways our relationship is satisfactory in others it's lacking. But that's not the theme of this confession. So no opinions or lectures welcome.

I have personal ads online and I respond to others' personal ads online. I’ve met men, women and couples. It seemed like I was all over the map in what I wanted but upon analysis I’ve realized I enjoy the first encounters, the initial excitement. After that, all the flaws, wrinkles and ordinariness come through and I’m on to the next. Perhaps it also explains why I entitled my confession I can’t say no. I’m submissive by nature and I like it when someone is bold, aggressive and goes for it. I’m let down by someone who keeps asking permission. I love it even more when we’ve made an agreement that on our first meeting, no sex. It’s more just to see if we click. But if they even push a little, some sexual actions happen.

Inevitably the most memorable and rewarding encounters is when they go in for a kiss, or get closer, suddenly hands are on my breasts or between my legs while their tongue is down my throat. I struggle, I say things like I shouldn’t be doing this. I try to avoid saying no because (understandably) many men worry about rape accusations. If they're a little rough, all the better.

So you ask what is wrong with this? What makes me feel like I need to confess? It’s that I’m misleading them and rarely get what I want. I want to be pushed, I want my nipples pinched and sucked, my breasts mauled, and hands and fingers between my legs trying to enter my pussy or ass. I want to be slapped or paddled. I’ve had a couple people manage to get my panties off and go straight in to eat my pussy. In spite of orgasms and it feeling exciting and leaving me on edge, I ultimately stop them, because, I explain, I just can’t do it. Typically I'll never hear from them or if they do, I just ignore them and I guess they think I feel guilty for going too far. idk

I guess that makes me a huge tease. Some would say that it hurts me too because I never get satisfied, but I do! I love that excitement that lingers until I get home and pull out my vibrator and fantasize about it sometimes going as far as imagining it went violently further. Speaking of fantasies, I regularly fantasize about being overwhelmed by several men or being groped by strangers in a public setting, I fantasize about a massage going beyond, I fantasize about homeless bums having their way with me. That falls into my super scared and really wouldn’t want it category like a man trying to force his dog on me, but the aggression and force is what turns me on. I enjoy the idea of innocently and accidentally flashing strangers. I’ve done that a couple times but it’s not easy to make it look real, and sometimes the response is disgust.

I do take the metro into DC sometimes at busy times and wear something that I hope sends a message. Either see-through, or low cut, or sleeveless so a hand can slide inside. I have nipples that are hard most of the time and I rarely a bra. So intentional or not, my nipples are like a billboard beckoning a hand. I always make sure my hands are pretty full so I cannot easily struggle or move away. It was difficult to find takers at first. It's easier now that I have experienced what works and what doesn't. Sometimes its just thinking I'm feeling someone accidentally touching me and leaning into it. Even if they hadn't intended to follow through frequently they will then.

So that’s where I’m at. For whatever reason I feel like its getting harder and harder to find the right person for this, OR somebody who is willing to meet knowing their not going to get a blow job or be able to fuck me. I’m also trying to reconcile my desire to have someone push me into anal sex but that crosses a line that I usually don’t like to cross. Related, perhaps, I also love the idea of being disciplined and spanked for the naughty things I want, need or do. I suppose I’m just a messed up lady.

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