I think I'm a homewrecker in-the-making. (TW: Incest?)

I was once just a normal girl.

Year by year, I got corrupt. In my mind and heart.
I've become more and more of a degenerate.
I've done some questionable things online, read questionable things, masturbated to questionable things, fantazied about questionable things. I keep it to myself. I developped kinks too. Like everyone else.

Today, I'm now 23. My hormones and body chemicals have been moving around a lot recently. And my mental health has been damaged at the same time or, was always damaged. I haven't been 'touched' or haven't got a boyfriend at all ever since I was born I guess.

So, recently, I've crossed a line... In my mind. But not in real life. Yet.

I've been thinking about 'him', fantasizing about him, masturbated about him and have been yearning for him. Since 2020 or 19. Or even 2017-18. Or fuck, even lower than that.

And these days, the lust and infatuated for him and now, his brother too, has increased.

What's fucked up?

They're both married and have kids, who're now grown up.
They're men, in their 40's.
They're not blood-related with me and the rest of my family.
This is just me trying to justify myself, this is what I say to myself, so I feel like I haven't been bad. 'They're not blood-related so... it's not that too fucked up? But they're married, which is fucked up though.'
They're good parents and dads... D and V.
Their kids are doing ok. Their wives are still with them, so they must be happy.

And me?
I'm just a single, lonely, bizarre, corrupted young adult girl who's a virgin with no relationship background whatsoever. Who wants to, let's just be honest, fuck both of them.
It is what it is, It is what it sounds like. It is my desire. It is fucked up.

What's even more fucked, I can't seem to convince myself that what I am doing is very wrong. My mind just CAN'T LISTEN. My body CAN'T LISTEN.

I do WANT to be a normal girl.

I just pray, that I WON'T do something soon.
The only out-of-line, to me, move I made was that I sent both of them a Facebook friend request. Both declined, which kinda tore my spirit a bit.
I stalked them online on Facebook, or called it, profile-peeping from time to time. Watching videos and looking at their pics. And when I do this, it just completely REFUELS my desire. And I would just continue on being infatuated about them.

I'm fucked up.
I do blame my childhood. I've seen a lot of violence and stuff. Broken childhoods create awful people.
It is what it is.
Am I sorry? For being like this? Yes. I shared precious memories with D. As for V, it's a blur.

This is all.

If someone is reading this, be it a girl who's just like me. Who's going through the same thing that I'm going through,

You're not alone.
We do need help.
Let's both, not act up and do something we both will regret.

This is my confession.

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