I get aroused by cutting myself
As I just stated I get aroused by cutting myself, I still live at home at the moment but sometimes (especially when I shower since I have time to do stuff there) I like to toutch myself whilst cutting.
One of my favorite fantasies is that I get drugged at a bar and pass out only to wake up in some disgusting guy or girls basement where he/she will torture and kill me.
It's honestly always been this way, I remember as a child I used to watch old slapstick cartoons on DVD and a common thing in them was spanking (another one of my weird desires..) and getting a feeling I back then described as "needing to go pee but not wanting to" and shifting my legs around making it feel good replying the scenes over and over again.
I used to look up pictures of kids being hit because it aroused me (as a child only of course, I'm not a pedo), i used to tie myself to my bed whit my stockings because I "liked how it felt" in preschool, and then finally when I was 11 years old due to uncontrollable rage and being home alone I did the first logical thing and ran to the kitchen pulling out a knife and cutting myself... turned out I liked it.
I cut for 2 and a half years straight until I was 13 and my friend noticed my cuts, and I stopped for 2 years until she abandoned me and started again after New Years and I cut nearly every day and sometimes tasting the blood too.
The previously mentioned friend I also had the biggest crush on, so much so that one time when we where riding the school bus home and she started bleeding I asked if I could taste it, and when I did it tasted unlike any blood I've ever tasted before it was so sweet tasting, I was shaking I thought it was so hot and romantic.
I still have sexual fantasies about her too, mostly involving me torturing her not killing her of course!! Because I love her, but godamn it I also hate her so much.
I've been planning my suicide for a while and at first I wanted to hang myself but the thought of not dying and becoming a depressed vegetable scared me out of it and I started settling on bleeding to death because not only is it arousing but I also die.
I'm fucking disgusting and I have no one to talk to that's why I'm confessing this on here.