I get aroused by cutting myself

As I just stated I get aroused by cutting myself, I still live at home at the moment but sometimes (especially when I shower since I have time to do stuff there) I like to toutch myself whilst cutting.
One of my favorite fantasies is that I get drugged at a bar and pass out only to wake up in some disgusting guy or girls basement where he/she will torture and kill me.
It's honestly always been this way, I remember as a child I used to watch old slapstick cartoons on DVD and a common thing in them was spanking (another one of my weird desires..) and getting a feeling I back then described as "needing to go pee but not wanting to" and shifting my legs around making it feel good replying the scenes over and over again.
I used to look up pictures of kids being hit because it aroused me (as a child only of course, I'm not a pedo), i used to tie myself to my bed whit my stockings because I "liked how it felt" in preschool, and then finally when I was 11 years old due to uncontrollable rage and being home alone I did the first logical thing and ran to the kitchen pulling out a knife and cutting myself... turned out I liked it.
I cut for 2 and a half years straight until I was 13 and my friend noticed my cuts, and I stopped for 2 years until she abandoned me and started again after New Years and I cut nearly every day and sometimes tasting the blood too.
The previously mentioned friend I also had the biggest crush on, so much so that one time when we where riding the school bus home and she started bleeding I asked if I could taste it, and when I did it tasted unlike any blood I've ever tasted before it was so sweet tasting, I was shaking I thought it was so hot and romantic.
I still have sexual fantasies about her too, mostly involving me torturing her not killing her of course!! Because I love her, but godamn it I also hate her so much.
I've been planning my suicide for a while and at first I wanted to hang myself but the thought of not dying and becoming a depressed vegetable scared me out of it and I started settling on bleeding to death because not only is it arousing but I also die.
I'm fucking disgusting and I have no one to talk to that's why I'm confessing this on here.

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  • I'm glad i found other ppl who do this. i like to cut a spot on either thigh and masturbate and c*m where I cut. I can't stop and I have so much scar tissue on my thighs. it's the only way I get off anymore and I'm afraid to let other people see it and that real sex won't be enough for me.

  • Went to a cutting party this weekend....about 10 of us.

  • I've never heard of that before, looked it up, sounds amazing.

  • What’s your favorite part about cutting?

  • My heartbeat going crazy- and the feeling I get in my stomach and genital area.

  • Would you let another person cut you?

  • I'd love to have another person cut me

  • Let us know how to contact you. We can cut in a clean and safe place.

  • Sorry for such a late reply, but I don't really have any sort of social media you can contact me on.
    Besides living where i live I highly doubt I could meet up whit anyone of the same interests.. sorry.

  • I’m just a few miles from you. Pretty sure I got a glimpse of you in the grocery store.

  • Oh really? I find that quite hard to believe, since I never really leave the house. How are you even supposed to know what I look like?

  • Because I know.

  • Good detailed explanation, lol.

  • You're not safe for society. Check yourself in to a psychiatric hospital asap.

  • Well your buggered then.

  • I cut in places that people don’t see. Wear long sleeves.

  • Get help, there are plenty of people to talk to that will listen and be there for you. You are not disgusting, you are beautiful, sexy and lovable. You just need someone to relate to so you can be yourself. I don't even know you and I love you!

  • You're so kind, too kind, thank you.

  • Lots of us like to cut...

  • I'm both sad and glad to know I'm not the only one.

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