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I still miss him. part 2
And just like that suddenly he was gone. The texts slowed down and soon stopped in under a week. He was always working before but this was different. No more sweetie. No more wishes that he could leave work early. And then t the end of that week he suddenly had to leave for a month. He didn't even say where.
And just like that I was alone.
About a week later I realized i wasn't just lonely. I felt sick. And it kept getting worse. Fast forward few weeks three pregnancy tests and a doctor's visit and I'm pregnant. And then came the worst month of my life. Keeping secrets, getting sicker, losing too much weight too fast. Vomiting and constant sleeping. Booking time off. Eventually telling my mom.
Booking an abortion appointment and having to deal with so much fear and pain that I cried until I couldn't breathe. And through it all I only texted him after the doctors appointment to be sure I was really pregnant. He apologized and sent money to get an abortion and offered to see me in a few months, suddenly his trip wasn't one month but three.
By now I've had a medical abortion that I am still currently going through. The emotional and mental pain is past now. This past month has let me come to terms and get over my fears. The clinic was a warm and good place. And I have had good people to support me.
And in the end of it all he didn't text me once. Never asked how I'm doing. Never said a thing even after I texted him again telling him all of how I felt. And it hurts realizing that after two months of so much happiness I still was hurt. I felt so completely broken and disgusting. I would look at myself and was so disgusted by what I saw I would throw up.
I wanted to die. I cried constantly. And I couldn't tell anyone.
And despite it all I still miss him. I remember his warm arms and happy laugh and loving eyes and am torn between wanting to yell at him and wanting to sob in his arms. He hurt me I just want him to hear what I have to say and to tell me he's sorry and that everything will be okay again.
Girl - you need to tell *yourself* that you're going to be okay. You need to step up and support yourself, to stand strong for yourself, and to be able to stand alongside those you love. You've been hurt deeply, it's obvious you're in distress even now that you've had some support and time, but it's not enough. Try to find a support group to see often. Build yourself up piece by piece and learn to live and grow. Don't be afraid of the loneliness because that will change if you can be someone who someone will want to be around. It's hard for people to want to join someone in despair for long periods of time (although there are saints out there, I'm sure). Depression is a brutal thing, and so hard to break out of. Wishing you all the best and hope you can find love again - everyone deserves that. You don't need to hear anything from him, and you probably won't. He obviously doesn't deserve your love, so start loving yourself and start living again.
I really needed to read this. I just finished with my abortion today. Over the past month I've been able to deal with all that you've said in your comment and I had written this when the procedure was at it's worst and I was in a lot of physical pain. Thank you so much for this though.