F18 I was groomed and I think my sexuality is just rapekink now

F18, this is kinda long and kinda dark

My parents are super super over protective and gave me very little freedom or even attention so when I was 14ish I made a secret discord account (._.kitty_kat._.) so I could try making some friends (irl i was sorta bullied/largely ignored and my dad worked at my high school so he'd keep an eye on me and know whatever I got up to or if iIwas friends with people my parents didn't approve of). I made friends with a few people and one guy would chat with me all the time and it was really exciting!

irl I was going through some rough times with people having crushes on me. One guy had a crush on my for 6 years and in grade 10 chased away any friends I had so I'd have to spend as much time with him as possible (he transferred classes to be in nearly all my classes too). Plus a guy that would follow me and take pictures of me, and another guy that was trying to be a stalker (and a few people that were just really weird about having a crush on me).

I told my online friend and he'd be really nice and let me vent about it, but he'd also keep twisting it into them being super loving because they're willing to go beyond social norms, or that it's huge compliments because I was making them lose control, stuff like that. When 2 different people forced me to kiss them and groped me (I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want my parents to get worse) he'd tell me how lucky I was to be wanted like that, and how many girls would want to be me and that it's the highest compliment a man can give.

It kinda went down this weird rabbit hole where he'd push more and more with these ideas and stuff, but otherwise we'd play minecraft and he didn't care that I couldn't be online a lot or that I had to sneak around my parents to not get caught chatting with him. I was just excited to have a friend and I let it get too extreme. He had a friend in the area and said I could meet up with him and learn more what it's like to not always be watched or under my parents control, and I agreed because I was scared to try doing things alone and I thought I could trust him (I was 16). It lead to a situation where I managed to sneak out and hang out with his friend that was in his 20s(?) and he dragged me somewhere and force face fucked me and came down my throat twice.

When I told my online friend he said that I should expect to be treated like that, and it meant that I was so attractive that his friend just couldn't stop himself, and if a man does that that's actual true love. That and if I called it rape, that I was overreacting and was falling for the lies my parents were telling me, because rape "doesn't actually exist and it's just natural sexuality". I sorta stopped talking to him after that, but irl the people that had crushes on me kept pushing boundaries and I was just happy to have people pretend to be my friend for at least a little while.

I think I was only susceptible to this because when I was 7 or 8 my older cousin that was living with us for a bit would show me porn, but he really only showed me rougher stuff and he said that I'd have to prepare to do that someday, and he wishes that he could. He made me jerk him off once or twice, but nothing past that. He'd send me some rough porn sometimes on my secret discord too (he'd moved away by then though so nothing irl).

But now I realize that like, idk what to do in romantic or sexual situations a man doesn't take control? i know i shouldn't find it comforting but it's more familiar and i'm more comfortable if a man just forces me rather than trying to be fully consensual and making my own choices. Like the idea of being in a relationship doesn't make sense to me unless I was forced into it? Or like sex I can only imagine it being all about the man and me having to please him and that's it.

I also have vaginismus and endometriosis so sexual stuff just hurts me so that might play a part in it too, but really the confession here is that my sexuality is fucked up beyond repair and I don't know what to do about it. Literally since I was younger my sexual fantasies skewed towards being kinda noncon, but since I was like 16 the only way I can picture having sex is being used.

The idea of vanilla sex makes me super uncomfortable and I just can't do it. Even though I know it's super unhealthy and wrong, I just want to be a super helpless fuckdoll to a strong powerful unstoppable man that doesn't care if I can handle it or not and just forces me to take it. Because for whatever fucking reason my brain thinks that's how sexuality should work -_-

My parents are still super overprotective and I can't wait to move out and try like a milkshake for the first time. Parents fucking suck. Sexuality sucks. Why am I like this? Should I just give in and accept it, or try to have healthy relationships? I kinda wanna experience it though, at least so I know if I actually want it or not. I have fantasies of getting a boyfriend and him turning out to have a rapekink too and forcing me to take it. Why am I like this.

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