Why do I keep reliving teenage homosexual desire?

I’m a 50+ male but on a daily basis I let my mind drift back in time to when I was awakened to my gay desires and awkward attempts to satisfy them. Teacher crushes. Locker room sneaking glances. Endless masturbation to gay fantasies. I think it’s because even though I’ve been with many men, I’ve never had a dominant alpha take me and deliver the pounding I crave. Like if I start over maybe it will come out different. Is that fucked up?

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