I read his journal.. should I be concerned?
I was really really high and mad at my boyfriend, so when he left the house, I decided to read his journals from when he was in prison (non violent drug offenses) and he had entries detailing his fantasies with the opposite sex that were very.. graphic. Think about Criminal minds, the type of hate that some of those men have for women. He also mentions wishing he had made the last girl he was with do anal, whether she wanted it or not.
He's admitted to having violent fantasies but he's never done anything more than spanking/slapping/choking, even if I asked or told him he could do whatever he wanted. Sometimes if he thinks he hit me too hard, he'll stop and ask if I'm okay and apologize, he never chokes me hard enough to completely stop my breathing, even if I'm pulling his hands around me harder. He says he's scared he really will hurt me if he gets too into it. He's even tried to pretend like he didn't like anal so I wouldn't feel bad about not being into it. Like, babe, I've seen your pornhub history, we watch it together constantly. It's hard to miss "HARDCORE PAINAL" on the screen.
The journals were from 2 years ago, and after one entry, he made it clear that he was ashamed and needed help. We've been together for about 5.5 months, and I care about him more than anyone and I believe he cares about me the same way. Reading the entries sort of scared me, and I might've found it arousing if it wasn't a real fantasy of the man I slept with. I'm into the rough cnc stuff but the death bit was too much for me. Taking how he's treated me into account, should I be scared? Most of the time I don't think about it but sometimes it pops in my head and I get freaked out. I'm a true crime junkie so I'm always paranoid anyways.