Tied off and dressed up

This actually happened to me quite a few years back . I used to masturbate frequently as no matter how much sex I got it wasn't enough .
Part of my usual routine involved cross dressing . I was still in my early thirties , I was very thin and had an athletic build . I used to look pretty good dressed in black garters and a bustier , my prick would get hard and throb when I looked in the mirror. At the same time as this I was seeing an older woman I had met through family friends . She was in her fifties and was taking premarin for hormone replacement .
Our sex usually involved lots of oral , she had a slightly enlarged clitoris (the size of the last digit of my pinky ) when I sucked her she would moan and usually squirt a little , I always swallowed her after licking her clean , swallowing everything .
After a few months of this my erections got softer, until finally my cock would elongate but not get hard , just kind of stay floppy . Also I noticed I was developing breasts . On a few occasions we had sex with me like this when I tried to enter her with my tits swinging back and forth . I couldn't . She was grinning as though she knew what was up . I don't know if she did or she just enjoyed what was happening to me.
During sex she would tell me to lay back on the couch and spread my legs , she would get between them and grind on my semi hard cock until she came then she would either masturbate me or suck me off .
I really began to feel as though I was going through female puberty .
My whole body began to respond to touching or rubbing and it would arouse me immensely . I would burst into tears for no reason other than wanting to make out with some one .
While dressing up I Started to really have castration fantasies that bordered on acting on it . One night I tied off my balls while dressed in black lingerie . I was so hypersexualized that I thought to myself " I wanna get castrated I 'm wanna become a transexual ." I undid the bough they were tied in and cinched them as hard as I could . I didn't give myself an orgasm so the feelings I was having about being castrated didn't subside . I was smoking weed also and when I lay down I went to sleep .
I woke up about 4 in the morning and realized that I left my balls tied . The sexual tension and passion I had earlier disappeared . I thought to myself "oh no I might have really castrated myself ". My balls were cold and numb. I untied them as quick as I could . My poor cock immediately stood to attention at the indignity perpetrated on it . I gabbed it thinking to myself " I really castrated myself ". I started to shoot a clear watery cum , after ony two or three strokes, almost like pre but quite a bit , it spilled on my tummy and chest and ran off almost like water . I said out loud " I'm castrated , I really castrated my self ".
The next day I had a dry orgasm . That lasted for about a week . Then no erection at all . Finally , I lost complete interest in sex , for about a year and a half. I was pretty depressed . Over this period v my ability to have sex returned ..slowly . I never recovered my full vigor though .

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