Young and dumb

This confession requires some context. I grew up in a household where it was me and my two brothers being raised by "mom" but later in life met my sister's when I was about 14, when I was about 15 I finally met my youngest sister who was still older than me, she was 18. We talked very little, but she spend the night at our house one night and I slept on the couch and she on the floor next to me. I was wide awake, but she appeared to be sleeping, and must have been having a dirty dream like I used to have, so I imagined. As she was sleeping she was playing with her breasts and I watched and tried to cover her back up as she exposed herself, I meant well. This kept happening though, and as I went to cover her one last time her sleeping hand felt mine and it tempted mine into continuing the actions of her own hands. I was scared because I didn't want to be caught and didn't know why her dream would last so long. I did however finally comply with her rather demanding hand and massaged her breast, at first it was just over her shirt, but it eventually led to being under the shirt. After awhile my hand was being guided lower, to her shorts. Her hand kept rubbing on top of mine guiding me to massage over her vaginal region. Like before it started on the outside of the clothing and soon went under the clothing. I haven't done anything like this before, but I knew I was excited because of my erection, but I still didn't know any better. Soon her hand wanted two of my fingers to go inside her vaginal opening, and it was so wet. But shortly into my mothers door opened, and my sister's hand immediately pushed mine out of her shorts and covered herself. At this point I knew she was awake and not knowing how I felt about it, we continued after my mother went back to her room after using the bathroom. It started with the nipples and soon led back to her vagina. Before I knew it she was sucking me and I was eating her out. The night came to an end afterwards both of us relieved of our tensions. The next day we both pretended nothing had happened, and didn't speak of it again until it was once again bed time. This time we both slept in my bed that one of my brothers was using the previous night. This time things were different, and felt natural, as we were both knowingly awake. We both moved slowly as to confirm we are ok with what was happening. We ended up having intercourse, and the activities continued nearly every night. I didn't think of my sister as a sister, she was my girlfriend, until she met my friend jimmy, he was an older guy, I used to goto his house and smoke cigarettes with him. They got acquainted really fast and I found notes they had written each other and tried to hide, she had sex with him I found out. I was heart broken. Then the time finally came that we had a talk, what we were doing wasn't right and not "ok". She reminded me that we were siblings and can't be lovers. I was still heart broken but I knew she was right and we never spoke about it again. Today, I'm 31 years old, and I relive those memories very often. I'm broken as a human being, though I'm not mad at her and don't blame her for my problems. But sometimes I wish that I could go back in time and just "know better".

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