Sexuality at a young age

I started masturbating when I was 6 had my first orgasm when I was 11. I watched porn, enjoyed looking at nudes which was.. everywhere (calendars, movies, books) or suggestive music videos (Poker Face and Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, I kissed A Girl by Katy Perry, and other ones that I don't remember the title of) I also liked watching police documentaries on sexual harrassment cases and became very aware of what is appropriate and what's not at that age. when a man tried to r*** me, there was a drama in my mind of me explaining in precise detail to the police what happened, except I never got to report it and the man stopped when I screamed and cried from the top of my lungs (which tbh didn't really feel traumatic as I've already rehearsed it in my head a few times before I even knew the guy). Ironically I thought about the fact that telling on him would ruin his life (esp he has kids.. 3 GIRLS and a boy) and yet he, a full grown adult, never seem to have thought how he'd ruined mine. maybe I'm in denial of the fact that I was traumatized but I felt powerful because of that and felt like I was being "merciful" by not saying anything. I did tell my mom and she urged to endorse the case to the police. I said I'll think about it but the next day we learned that he had left the town and I just didn't care enough to make my mom waste more money (that we didn't have) just to chase him. We were also both terrified of the whole prospect of a legal battle. plus I felt guilty about being aroused sometimes and didn't always hate his company. He taught me art (barely. I thought he sucked but my oblivious mom set us up to do "solo workshops"), basketball which I liked, took me on "walks" in empty streets. I knew that resisting could get me in more danger so I played along whilst trying to find more crowded areas or just one passerby who can witness. I could tell he was already riddled with guilt because he was hesitant at times (not saying I encouraged it. just noticed). There were moments when he could've disregarded my boundaries completely, like when we were alone at his place and I said I wanted to go home because he made me uncomfortable. I think he tried to convince me to stay but he didn't try to stop me when I simply left. I was also trying to think of where I can find something sharp if he did try. there had been similar occasions and things would've been bloodier if he were a bit more pursuasive.

I enjoyed sexual things but being violated was not enjoyable at all. I was a sexual kid but I don't think he influenced me further. he probably made me suppress it even more and become extremely guarded about intimacy which was the real thief of my innocence. Not sexuality. Kids can feel sexual. Many navigate that early on but adults should not meddle with it at a crucial developmental stage. I wasn't repulsed by what happened to me as a kid. I'm more repulsed by irresponsible and immature adults. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be "holier than thou" and my mind often wanders in the wrong places but I at least know how I wish adults acted if I was a kid in the presence of my current self.

By Anonymous Jul 3

Sex CONFESSION

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