Sometimes people do return for more

I just read Haunting Adeline & Hunting Adeline and I am triggered. The first reading I was very disturbed and uncomfortable. A year later I have re-read it and now I love it. Thing is people think the plot is unreasonable but the same thing happened to me and I never reported it because in the end, I became willing. It’s so strange, because I am still traumatized by how it started because it was definitely not consensual…but then how do I eventually go back for more??! I feel sick in the head but I still feel the hurt of it at the same time.

I was working at this high paced company in Manhattan. Being an employee was a crazy time! Think “Wolf of Wallstreet” type environment with lots of money and crazy parties that the CEOs force you to attend or you loose your job. Not joking! Staff parties were MANDATORY! And they were INSANE! There was this male coworker I knew had a crush on me but I was not interested and he was not overly creepy. However, a woman can tell when a man is interested. Now I lived deep in NJ and was working in Manhattan. For those out of state we would usually stay at the office overnight after the parties or at one of the CEO condos if we couldn’t make it home because we had to be at work by 6am the following day NO EXCUSES! Everything was catered and provided to us during this time.

At a Christmas office party one year, I swear I only had 2 drinks since I never have more as I never want to be drunk with coworkers. I show up to these only because I have to. There was crazy alcohol and everyone was trashing everything, guys running with the Christmas tree, ladies dancing on tables like a Vegas night club! After 2 drinks, I was so drunk and so nauseous I was throwing up.

This male coworker started taking care of me. He held the bag while I was throwing up. At one point i needed to pee, so he offered to take me since I was unable to walk. By this time, I observed about half the people were passed out or very much on their way there so it was not alarming to see him helping me stumbling to the bathroom. He instead took me to the male bathroom and started telling me to take down my pants. He blocked the stall door while I kept telling him NO and asking him to let me out. Apparently someone saw where he took me and told some of the ladies in the office who all busted in as a group and made him open the stall and took me out of there. I can’t remember much for the rest of the party.

The ladies put me to sleep it off in the small break room and also get me away from him. Next time I opened my eyes, I saw he was somehow sleeping in a chair in-front of me and there was another couple people passed out in the room sleeping on the floor like I was. I recognized it was him even though it was dark and I was groggy. Because others were there in the room, I thought I was safe and passed right back out. I think he waited around a while or maybe even tested I was properly out before he proceeded with his plan.

Then I felt someone pulling down my black leather pants. He then proceeded to perform oral on me while I was semi-conscious. I now think I was drugged because I could never make sense of that night! I was vaguely aware of what was happening but it’s like I could only say no in my head! My mouth and my limbs just did not work but I felt everything including the fear and panic. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, I couldn’t even cry and I couldn’t push him away. I just knew it was him from his voice.

Once he did that for a while, he pinned my legs over his shoulders and raped me multiple times unprotected while covering my mouth or choking me with his hand the entire time. He whispered in my ear the entire time things like “good girl”, “do you like this cock deep inside you”, “I wanted you so bad”, “I am gonna make you mine”, “I’m gonna breed you” and other crude things about my taste and anatomy and how much he was enjoying it. All while licking and biting me all over my chest. When I look back at the things he was telling me, he basically admitted to an obsession with my body and premeditation. I don’t know if others in the room just didn’t wake up but definitely no one stopped him. The whole time I felt like I was screaming and crying in my mind. I honestly thought he would choke me to death. I just remember struggling to breathe the entire time. When done, he left me lying there exposed, legs spread and slowly touching and fingering my vagina for a bit. It’s like he wasn’t in a rush or afraid at all. I do wonder if he was taking photos but it was dark in that room and no way he could without flash. After a while, I then felt him pull my bra back down and wipe my crotch with something wet (I am assuming wet wipes) and then he pulled back up my pants. I just lay there unable to move and eventually apparently I was out again.

How can I be drugged and still remember though?? Am I supposed to not remember anything at all if I was drugged? But if not drugged, how is it humanly possible to get immobile drunk with 2 screwdrivers??!! I am not exaggerating….I literally only had 2 drinks! Before I even finished the second drink I was already feeling drunk. He bought be a 3rd drink and I never touched it. However I got those 2 first drinks myself. I can’t remember leaving them unattended so I don’t know how.

When I woke up in the morning, it was back to work as usual and I didn’t know what to do. He was not just any coworker, he was the Childhood friend and personal henchman of CEO! I hoped it was a dream but I could definitely feel the evidence of what happened including the marks on my breasts and neck. I cried for a while in the bathroom when I saw them. I confronted him and he acted surprised and pretended that he was just too drunk to remember. I just avoided eye contact with him. At lunch time he bought me a plan B and handed it to me in a bag saying make sure to take this. The next 3 days I called out sick.

When this happened I hadn’t been intimate in 2 years so I wasn’t on birth control. I took the planB and just ignored him for the next week. I blamed myself for being a sloppy drunk and allowing this to happen. I even blamed myself for wearing tight leather pants that I caused this to happen. I thought it was over but this only made him more bold. He basically used his position and power in the company to threaten my job and contact immigration to loose my case. He would corner me to the building stairwell, bend me over, make me pull down my pants for him, perform oral on me and have unprotected sex with me again the next week. He would insist I not clean up immediately and made me return to work without cleaning myself. First time that happened I think that whole day was a blur.

By the third time he did this, I was starting to have complicated feelings about it. He was very good sexually and even though it was rape, he also would not stop and would stimulate me in multiple ways until i orgasm. Only then would he take his release. It was sick. In hindsight, I think he wanted me but because I wasn’t interested in him even with all his money, he was angry and decided to “take me” until he could make me want him back.

I felt bad about myself because I did not completely throw up at his touch. He was well endowed and very very skillful so I couldn’t help but cum. I felt like my body was betraying me! Even though I didn’t want it, I was having the best orgasms of my life sofar! How the fuck is that even possible! Doesn’t that mean that deep inside I probably enjoyed what was happening? Also I naturally have a creampie fetish. There is no way he knew about that. However, by sending me back to work with soiled panties, it also played into one of my secret fantasies. I was sooo confused and told no one what was happening.

Strange thing is, I think the CEO knew what he was doing too and they were talking about it like good ole boys do.

I don’t know why but one day I called him up and told him I wanted it. I rented a hotel room for the night. He came through and did some very rough, kinky things to me and it was amazing. That man was very talented and really knows a woman’s body. It happened a few more times because I wanted the sex but then I would immediately leave. I would then proceed to completely ignore his existence at work until i wanted sex again. I still hated him but he also made me feel good and I guess I was lonely too.

After about a year of this, he started telling me all about himself and his life etc every time we met up trying to get close to me emotionally. Then one day, he followed me to the post office to profess his love for me and had this whole proposal on why we should be together and how good he would be to me. But honestly I just saw him as a sex object and nothing more. He is a fucking rapist and I will NEVER love him. I ignored him after this. He kept trying to grovel but I did not give him any attention. It felt like I unknowingly flipped the script and took my power back in the most messed up way! How TF do you just move past what you did and act like this is some love story!?

Eventually, he moved on with another lady in the office and I didn’t give a shit! I think he thought he was making me jealous. He eventually got fired because he was with some other coworker who was fired for stealing, so she then accused him of rape after she was fired, which was a huge scandal and forced the CEO to let him go. The whole time this was going down I was quiet as a mouse.

But that night never left my mind. I agonized over how I could get drunk with only 2 drinks. Only years later do I realize I was likely drugged and he was a psycho stalking me for months, trying to get close to me and did not stop at all until he had his way. Today looking back on it I am just angry, conflicted, ashamed of myself and I think I really need therapy.

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