My ego made me lose my BFF and now she hates me

Back story: I've know my old BFF since birth. We are the same age and lived next door until kinda school age, then my mom suddenly married a guy she knew for two months and we moved away so Betsy and I became penpals and kept in touch. The marriage lasted a rocky 5-6 yrs and we moved back in with my grandmother, and back next door to Betsy who still lived there with her mom and grandmom.

Both our moms were not the best moms and we both had issues because of them. When we were neighbors again is when we both were developing and my mom, being a former ballerina, had eating disorders and picked on me whenever I gained a gram and put me on impossible diets. Betsy on the other hand, had a very fat mom who felt like you show love by cooking and feeding so Betsy ate way too much. So I was skinny and she was overweight.

When my mom found a new guy, she moved in with him and I stayed with my grandma. My eating disorders leveled out and I put on a healthy amount of weight because of my grandma. Betsy just kept gaining weight. Betsy hadn't dated and mostly stayed home. I didn't have a social life because I'd stay home so Betsy had a friend.

When we were about 20, Betsy had joined an overweight support group and she heard about some retreat or conference or something for overweight people and the people who love them (we found out later that meant, chubby chasers). Being shy Betsy asked me to go with her and I did. We got adjoining rooms so if she met someone, I didn't have to worry about being a third wheel.

There was a whole agenda of activities and we were soon doing our own thing. There were so many things, she actually could have gone alone but who knew? We barely crossed paths. I was happy for her so I just hung out at the hotel, went to the pool for the pool parties and went to some of their social things. They weren't snobby about a lightweight girl being there.

I didn't realize it until much later but I was attracting a lot of attention from both the men in attendance and even some of the lesbians there. Vying for my attention was an ego boost and I was enjoying all the attention. A couple people told me there were after hours 'adult' events not on the schedule, strictly by invitation.

I went to a clothing optional pool party (wearing a tee shirt), went to some risque performances and games, and seriously never saw Betsy but in passing. I was tipsy most of the time because someone was always getting a drink for me. When I was asked to dance, I was squeezed and fondled. When I went off to a dark corner, I was groped. I loved, loved all the attention.

The final evening, I was asked if I wanted to participate in an afterhours massage demo. I didn't know what tantric meant so I said sure! About a dozen of us gathered in a room, the drinks flowed and I soon found out that it was a sex massage and I was naked on the bed with everyone's hands and mouths on me and in me.

A couple people came and went and suddenly someone called out my name. It was Betsy. She had just come in the room and saw me there, the center of attention, people almost fighting over who could play with me next. Didn't find out till later that the one guy who was massaging my vagina while kissing and fondling me was a guy she'd been spending some time with.

We were barely speaking as we packed up the next day and checked out, the drive home was mostly silent until she finally burst out accusing me of only going so I could get all the attention. Knowing my body would look better than any woman there. That I was taking all the men, and even some of the lesbians, away from the people who were real attendees, like her! She was taking it all personally.

I tried to explain, I tried to analyze, I tried everything but every word out of my mouth made it worse. I was saying the men who came on to me were just looking for an easy lay, it was just coincidence it was me. She cried saying, oh so you don't think any of the men wanted a fattie like me. That they would only want you. I said no, no, NO, that's not what I meant.

So after many hours, we made it home and she hasn't spoken to me since. I'm conflicted because I'm questioning everything I did. Was she right? Was I trying to steal all the attention? Did I really hate fat people? Why did I think I was so special. But with all those thoughts, I still couldn't help having the feelings I had over being the center of attention. It was flattering, it was arousing, that's not my fault! Or was it my fault.

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