I just need someone to read this

Im understanding that this will probably not stay up for long. Thats fine. I just need this to be somewhere because i cant hold it in anymore.
When i was a teenager i was trafficked by a boyfriend who was in college. This happened for over 5 years and i would go into worse detail but i cant. At first i convinced myself to like it because it was “for my boyfriend”(typical stuff like it was easy money and he spent so much on me so i needed to repay him) and then eventually i totally fucking hated it for obvious reasons.
Then he started giving me ice to ‘enjoy’ it and it basically got me hooked and i would do anything for it. When i say anything i really do mean anything. I got stabbed in the stomach when i was particularly desperate because this one guy was a real freak about what he wanted. Anyways this isnt entirely about this. He kind of cut me loose when he got arrested and i turned 17 because it wasnt like i was really a hot item anymore. Guys who look for kids typically dont really want adults.
Eventually i realized all of that was really fucked up even when i was trying to convince myself that i was in control and i liked it and that i was hypersexual because news flash: i wasnt. like at all.
I tried to kill myself a lot of times cuz i kept having flashbacks of it all even the parts that i thought i enjoyed. It kind of screwed me up for life. Ive had various boyfriends who were nice normal guys who understood my past and treated me well. I appreciate them because now i know what ‘good’ is like. I didnt before. But the problem is that i feel like im completely frigid now.
I’ve had guys eat me out, tried anal, vibrators, regular fingering or just touching my clit and being attentive about it and genuinely trying and none of it will make me cum. I just dont feel it. Not even regular penetration. I kind of just do it out of obligation. It feels like a job to me. This is where the problem comes in.

All of this happening to me made me kind of fucked up and weird. I like listening to really weird shit. I love horror. All types. About 5 years back i started getting a really weird interest in gore. I figured it was just an extension of liking horror movies. Seeing sfx gore -> irl gore doesnt phase me? That was my thought process. It was only a matter of time before i realized watching it was making me unbelievably horny. I’d be so wet trying not to grind my pussy into the office chairs at my job while watching it on my phone(i have like zero supervision at my job) and it would get so bad id have to run to the bathroom and rub one out. Ive never had to do that before. Ever. It was the first time i ever felt like that in my life outside of being on ice in my teens.
Eventually i freak myself out and i try to stop watching it but then i just get horny thinking about it. My current substitute is listening to true crime videos on youtube that are way too descriptive about the murders theyre covering and fingering myself in my room to them. I cannot help it. I dont know whats wrong with me.
Its weirdly funny to me listening to them pretend to be so sympathetic towards the victims and reprimanding the killer because they have no idea their videos are just purely masturbatory fuel for the type of people that are just like me. I dont ever see myself taking this fetish out of simply a fantasizing route though. Im 5’3 and not strong at all. I couldnt hurt anyone. But i just hear about someone being hurt in the worst way and i get so wet that my pussy literally feels like it has a heartbeat from how hard its throbbing.
Thanks if you read this. Sorry if this really bothers you. If whoever moderates this website feels like this cant stay up, thats understandable. I just need this to be out somewhere.

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