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It's Just Sick
Female here, 24 now but I was sexually abused when I was younger. Right now I have an absolutely amazing bf that I've been with for four years now. He is aware of my past, intimacy is really difficult for me at times but I've been going to a therapist for years. My bf has been very understanding about my issues and he's very supportive of me and I love him to death. He's even said that he wants to marry me and provide for me.
A few months ago my bf had to go see his father just to deal with some family business and I went with him. I'd never met his dad because they have been estranged for years. They do not get along at all and they got into heated arguments more than once.
I don't know why but while my bf wasn't around I seduced his father into fucking me raw and coming in my pussy. It technically felt good and I moaned a lot but I just felt cold inside the whole time. It seemed to scratch some deep dark itch that I can't explain. I kept it from my bf but I can't stop thinking about it and I just feel so guilty to the point I feel physically ill at times. I'm absolutely terrified of him finding out what I did. I hate myself.
I broke down with my therapist and told her what happened and she thinks I should come clean about it with my bf but I can't do it. It's not even possibly losing him that hurts me the most it's the fact that it'd break his heart for sure.
Tell him. He might not mind, I used to let my dad fuck some of my girlfriends before I got married, and I suspect that he's even banged my wife a couple of times, although they both deny it. I've fucked my mother more times than I can count, so it's not a big deal anyway. If you confess, it will certainly help with your feelings of guilt, and you certainly can't expect to have a lasting relationship with that kind of thing hanging over your head.
Mm I think deep inside we always know the reasons why we did certain things, so gotta ask, does thinking about what happened makes you horny? Besides guilty I mean
No it makes me feel sick, and yet, I can't even say with certainty that it wouldn't happen again if the opportunity presented itself. I'm such a fucked up person.
This sorta replies to me in some way, look it's alright if it feels disgusting and sick, but the fact that you can't say it won't happen again, is cause a part of you wants it, like being on his lap and suddenly lose sense of control..and let things happen again?
This feels like the most accurate sentiment to how I feel about the whole thing. Just because you do something like this doesn't mean you feel good about it, during the act or after. When you've been fucked up mentally and emotionally by sexual abuse as a child, it makes you want some pretty disgusting and fucked up things later in life. I can't say for certain that I would want this to happen again but I can't say that I would resist it. It's like being conditioned from a young age to submit to sexual acts, often because resisting made things so much worse. You just get used to it and eventually learn to openly provide what you already know your abuser wants. I'd venture to say that it's a survival instinct you develop over time. They're going to take it anyway so best to just offer it before they come after it. Maybe in a way doing this gives the abused a sense they are taking back control but it's a false sense in reality because you know from past experience they will take what they want and even if you resist they will overpower you just as they've done before.
Cause you loved the abuse from your dad, that’s why, and you seek it out. My wife was the same till I told her to go fuck her 70 year old dad and her it out of her system
If you really care for your bf don't tell him and never do his father again. Be careful not to put yourself in a situation that could lead you or his father into sex again. Never allow yourself to be alone with his father and just pretend it never happened.
I'm trying really hard to pretend it didn't happen but it's hard and I'm also really worried his father will tell him just so he can hold it over him.
I knew a girl like you. She was only into men twice her age. The rougher the better. Worked out good for me. I think a few of her and her husbands kids are mine
Hot!!
She was sexually abused as well? I'm on birth control thankfully.
Become his step mom, how cohld you make things even worse. That's fucked up! Sorry not sorry! Being abused has no weight on your actions with his father. 2 different things. Good luck, gonna need it. Oh and end the abuse with you! I was molested, a generational thing, dad was, his dad was. I refuse to let this bullshit keep on with my family. Be strong on stopping abuse but I don't k ow how the hell telling him could make things better???
Don't ever do that again. Don't tell him but don't ever fuck his dad again
I didn't really want to fuck his dad in the first place. I don't know why I did it.