My secret I take to my grave

When I was in middle school, I got into a lot of trouble. Suspensions, fighting, tardiness, attitude problems and lots of shit like it didn’t get on with the kids in middle school.
M/s hard time for everyone but where I was at was amplified 10,000x… I have adhd diagnosed at 6 and got put into special ed…resource room they call it. In 7th grade I worked in a talent show there. I was more hyper than normal. Teacher gave me a warning to stop horsing around. I didn’t listen to her, and she told me to leave. I start throwing a tantrum. Results in my dad coming to the school pick me up…I get suspended for 2 weeks. I had been told if I didn’t stop misbehaving in school, I was going to be placed in a center base alternative school for emotionally impaired people. Kids with ADHD,disabilities, juvenile offenders, all of it..some were sexually aggressive, most physically violent. I didn’t need special ed. And being in that school was a source of shame in my family. My dad especially didn’t like it. It had a level system. The higher level u got on, more privileges u got. Rec time, stereo time, candy/snacks etc. they had a clip board with what were acting out, u had a check sheet of how I behaved. They had a quiet chair for disruptions and other stuff. If the kids weren’t calm there, they were sent to a booth. Once I had 2 piss and made me clean it up after I quieted down. I felt like a pariah. Always felt like people would snicker about me. Like it was a scarlet letter or something. I always kept details about secret…shame/embarrassment/fearofdiscovery. Eventually i got thru all 6 levels. But despite significant improvements, refused to let me return to public school. So I went to a private school out of state. Like a new identity. Felt embarrassed for most of my life that I went there. (Center base school)…always felt like I never amounted to anything cuz i went there. Like people saw me as undeserving or unworthy for the same reason. I love the anonymity of the internet cuz I can type from my phone and u can’t see me. I kept this secret inside for. Well over 30 years! On lock. I have always believed if I told someone about it I would be judged. Not taken seriously or made fun of. I always felt like I had something to hide, ya know. Funny how a weight has been lifted off my shoulders…when I posted this. Ooh, now I feel all relaxed like u get when I have a massage at a health spa.

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