I have a problem that I don’t know how to solve

I have a problem that I don’t know how to solve. For the last 5 years of our marriage, my husband has been fantasizing about me making love to another man. This fantasy is part of our normal love making routine and is discussed ad nauseum every time we have sex. It almost always involves interracial sex. He has a fetish about me, a blond woman having sex with an athletic black man. Although reluctantly at first, I have grown to embrace the fantasy. We often watch interracial porn together and he bought me a realistic black dildo to simulate my imaginary lover. It is so pervasive, that sometimes I wonder if we could have sex without it. Yet through all the years, we had never progressed enough in making it a reality to discuss any specific details or boundary limits. We didn’t because honestly, I never intended anything to happen, ever.

However, about two months ago .... While my husband was out camping with the kids, I went to visit my sister who lives about three hours away. On my way home, I stopped and was having a late dinner alone and struck up a conversation with the only other person in a nearly empty restaurant, which happened to be a black gentleman just a little older than me. Now I didn’t start it, but flirtations were exchanged, and a proposition was made. We were both far from our homes, he was well built, good looking, friendly, wanted me which is a big turn-on. He just happened to be staying in the hotel across the parking lot from the restaurant. I knew that no one was waiting for me at home, and no one would know if I was late getting there. This was nearly the exact scenario that my husband and I had fantasized about for so many years. If I was ever going to do it, this was the time.

As I was talking with the gentleman, I couldn’t believe that I was entertaining the prospect of doing it with him. I could hear him saying something about his work and the reason he was in town, but honestly, I wasn’t paying much attention. Instead, I was looking at him and consciously working to convince myself to have intercourse with him. I know my husband wasn’t present, but I could almost feel him standing behind me and encouraging me. The restaurant was closing soon, and I did not have much time to decide. Even though I had convinced myself that I could follow through, I still felt like I needed to hear my husband say it was ok. I tried to text and call him a couple times to get permission, but I was unable to reach him. The calls went straight to voice mail because the campground where my husband was staying had absolutely no cell signal. We paid for our dinner and stood outside the restaurant talking as the manager locked the door behind us. I was either going to get into my car and drive home or go to his hotel room. I had to make a snap decision and I did.

It was very discreet and most of all I felt safe. I didn’t have any reservations nor feel guilty as I thought about my husband throughout the entire experience. I imagined him watching us from across the room. I made a special effort to accomplish a mental checklist of all our favorite scenarios and positions that we had discussed in our fantasies. I really felt like my husband was directing my actions even though he was not present. I didn’t hold anything back and it exceeded all my expectations. We even slept for a few hours and had a second encounter in the shower before I left at daybreak. I didn’t get home until mid-morning, and no one knew. I had even gone so far as texting my sister while we were in bed saying that I got home ok just to cover my tracks.
Although I was extremely excited when my husband called later that day, I didn’t say anything over the phone. I really thought that this was something that would be best shared face to face. I couldn’t wait for him to get home, so I could tell him about everything! It was three more days before he was home, we were alone and, in a setting, where I could confess. The kids were asleep, and we had just gotten into bed. I was about to burst with excitement and expected the same from him. I started to tell him about the affair in a hypothetical way and hinted that I may have already taken the next step. And that is where the problem started. According to my husband, IF we were to go through with me actually having sex with someone else, he had some ‘rules’; none of which we had discussed previously. It seems that (1) I did not have permission to find a partner on my own (2) he had to be present or at least close by when it happened (3) we couldn’t kiss and (4) we had to use a condom. All these rules I had already violated because they were not part of the fantasy as I understood.

(1) We had rarely discussed how I was going to find a lover and usually in just some abstract form not too different than what did happen. (2) We had only talked about me being with another man; nothing about my husband being present. (3) Kissing is an essential part of making love, why would I take a lover, if I couldn’t make out with him. And (4) it was always my husband’s fantasy to let my lover cum inside me; that is why I had actually insisted on not using a condom even though I knew that there was a slight pregnancy and std risk. I thought that was what he wanted.

The more I hinted at the possibility of me taking a lover for real, the more he insisted on these new ‘rules. So, much to my regret, I didn’t tell him about the encounter although I am not sure I could have given him any more clues. The stress of the disagreement in how we go about making the fantasy a reality meant that we didn’t have sex that night. Laying in bed, unable to sleep and gravely disappointed, I decided that I would just pretend it didn’t happen and let things go back to the way they were before. Albeit my fantasies were now actually memories, but he didn’t need to know.

But here it is two months later, and now it is very awkward having sex with my husband. Obviously, we still talk about our fantasy. However, I must be guarded in what I say which always takes a serious edge off the moment. To my surprise, the hotel affair was an amazing experience, and I have to confess that I really want to do it again. Yes, my new friend and I exchanged contact information, and we talk often, both about what we have done and the possibility of including my husband in our next meeting. He is willing to let my husband watch. However, my husband now realizing that I am willing to go through with having sex with someone else is actively searching and has been having conversations with more than one other guy online that he thinks would be perfect for us. He is showing me naked pictures of other black men and asking me to pick one.

This has really created a dilemma that I need help to solve. I would love to confess to my husband that it has already happened and ask him to participate. But I am certain how he would react, and I don’t think that would be a good idea. I could tell my husband that I have found someone on my own and try to convince that he is the one. Then act like the second time is the first time. but I am afraid that my husband will figure it out and then be really pissed. Besides how do I explain how I found him? Again, I don’t think I have the courage to try that. As for the option of doing nothing and going back to just talking about it, I tried that, and it just isn’t working. Lately, I am trying to convince myself to fuck one the guys my husband has found on the internet just to make him happy. In exchange I will meet up with my new friend in secret when he is in town.

By Anonymous

Sex CONFESSION

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