Practicing coming out

I have had this feeling for some time to just come out and confess that I have gay urges. I'm married and have a family and a good job and all that, so this has to be anonymous for now. Maybe later I will be able to come out in real life.

I was a new freshman at college when I ran into this guy at the cafeteria. He asked if he could sit with me and that's how I got to know him. He said he had just been discharged from the Navy and he was starting college, so like me he was a freshman, just older. We exchanged information about classes, the dorm I was in, he said he was off campus in a garage apartment.

He invited me to see his place, he said it was about a ten minute walk. We went over, it was still hot in late September, it was an upstairs efficiency. One room, a small kitchenette and a small bathroom. One bed. He sat on the bed and invited me to sit beside him. He asked me if I had a girlfriend. If I had a boyfriend. He put his arm around my shoulders. He pulled me back onto the bed and got over me and kissed me, and then put his hand on my crotch and kissed me again.

I was too scared to do anything. The kissing felt good and his hand massaging me. He undid my pants and had my naked cock in his hand, and he bent down to suck it, and kiss it. Returning to kiss me. He took my shoes off, my pants and underwear and kissed me while he felt me up and fingered me. He pushed down his pants and laid on me with his cock rubbing against mine, before lifting my legs up and poking me with his cock. All I could do was go along, I just wanted him to keep kissing me.

He penetrated me after a moment or two. At first it felt strange but then it felt good and while he kissed me he went into a rhythm until he finished and told me I was too good to pass up. I didn't know it at the time but I was falling in love with him. My first crush, all I wanted to do was be with him, I wanted him to kiss me, I loved being kissed. But he wasn't interested on a love struck boy and he pushed me away. It hurt me.

It taught me to be careful. In my senior year I met this girl and we got married a year later. She was so much like me, grew up in very similar circumstances. She reminded me of my mother. All she wanted out of life was to be a homemaker and mother.

Over the years I have cheated on her many times, always with men, always clandestine affairs. Sometimes I need a man to kiss me, other times I need a man to make love to me. I'm not aggressive or dominant, I need a man to overpower my reluctance. Once kissed I settle down and want the man to make love to me.

I know I'm gay, I always have been gay. I have had more than one crush on a man. I have never felt that way about my wife. We are friends, almost brother and sister, and have sex seldomly.

That's my confession, I'm saying it. I'm gay. One day I hope to just be able to say it out loud and not anonymously.

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