My cousin and I have been keeping this secret for years...

As the title states... My cousin and I have been keeping a pretty dark secret between us since it started back in 2008. Forgive me if I word certain descriptors vaguely... But this is more of a "I need to get this off my chest and tell SOMEONE" and still want to protect our identities. But, it's been eating away at me for a while and I just need to get it off my chest.

Since the posts are limited to the number of characters you can post on here. I'll make this short.

I grew up with my cousin and her two sisters. She's the middle child. She's always maintained her shape and weight very well considering her sisters and mom are pretty heavy. But, she's always been pretty conscious of that so she spends 5 days a week at the gym and has been since she was at least 18. But I digress. That's not

My cousin and I have on and off again been sleeping with each other since 2009. After going to the wedding of another cousin in the family. I was 22 at the time and fresh out of the army and she was 18 and a senior in high school. She actually initiated everything, which at first I was resistant to till she managed to convince me.

It started with texting from another room in my grandparents house, then when we went to the kitchen to discuss it things and she managed to convince me to at least give it a try so "she could see if she actually had feelings for her cousin".

That lead to us sleeping with each other that night and the rest of the weekend.

After which, any time we had a family gathering or we were in each other's town visiting we would hook up and do our thing.

Early on we discussed how even if we stopped, that we would keep this a secret for the rest of our lives. Because we both know how our family views these sort of things since they are extremely religious.

After she went to college and I moved to another state. We kept in touch and really only hooked up during Christmas or Thanksgiving since those were really the only times the whole family would get together.

I ended up moving to Asia for work and she dropped out of college to train hope for a few years. By this time we had started becoming pretty distant and didn't really talk for several years. I had gotten married and had a newborn the next time I saw her.

At first when we reconnected it was like everything we had ever done with each other never happened. We talked normally and caught up. The whole family new about my Toxic marriage by this point and she was a shoulder to lean on during my misery, as I felt trapped in that marriage.

One day we were talking on the phone and she asked me if I ever think about her and the times we spend together. I confessed to her that I could never stop thinking about it and how I felt that it has seriously effected my ability to build a true relationship with anyone because the strongest and most intense connection I ever had was when I was with her.

She asked me if I was still interested in her and I just answered back with if she was still interested in me. To which she just responded with "I'd still hit it". We laughed about and I agreed.

The next time I saw her was after I had separated from my ex-wife and was traveling between states to see my child. I messaged her telling her I was passing through town and she asked if I wanted to get dinner.

We ended up eating Pho and she was telling me about her life. About how she was getting married soon to this guy that she had been with on and off for the last 5 years. I asked her what that meant for us. She said it changed nothing, as it's a secret that we agreed to keep between ourselves.

She asked me if I still wanted to be with her and I said yes. She said she wanted the same. But, she needed the marriage to keep up appearances because at one point my mom and her mom started to suspect us. She did admit she cared for the guy, but how he doesn't make her feel like a woman. But more like a roommate. So, it was the perfect cover to be able to do her own thing as he lets her do whatever she wants.

I disagreed with the out look and the way she was going about it. But it was her life. Then she just joked about how it wasn't like we could just openly be together and get married and have kids. No one would agree to it and we'd likely be disowned.

We finished and went back to our cars. Ended up doing it in the backseat of my car before leaving. But, I left feeling more conflicted than ever. I felt very guilty that she felt she needed to use her relationship with this guy as a cover to be with me and on the other hand, I also felt guilty that I couldn't just tell her no.

Her and I have kind of become addicted to sneaking around, having sex, and then moving on as if everything is normal.

Last time we saw each other which was last year, the tension was definitely a lot more tense between us because I was outside talking to her husband and she would come outside and just give me these eyes. By this point, we hadn't done anything with each other in 3 years at least.

After her husband left to go take care of some things at their house, we went into the warehouse on my aunt's property and went at it. But what stuck out to me this time, was that it seemed to me that we have both started psychologically relating our interactions with each other as an obligation to each other. Because, while we were in the middle of having sex she kept telling me that I was still HER cousin and no one else could have me.

She kept making me promise that I would never stop loving her. Now, I want to note, at this point we had never uttered the words I love you to each other when we were intimate. But, this time she kept saying she loved me and kept telling me to say it back. Which made the whole session more intense.

After we finished, she got really serious with me and asked me if it was possible to be in love with two people. Stating that she loved her husband, but she was in love with me. I told her that I thought it was possible. I told her I felt the same as well.

Since then, I get messaged from her at least once a day with "Daily Reminder: I love you, MY Cousin."

I'm writing this more so to vent it out than anything. Because, on one hand. I do love my cousin and as this has been going on for more than 10 years with obvious gaps. The psychological side of this whole thing is that, in order for me to maintain any relative normal relationships with anyone that isn't her, I can't completely stop being with her. Otherwise, I find that my relationships just fall apart. Almost as a form of self-sabotage. The other side, it seems like an addiction as well.

I do love her, and which that we would be with each other full-time, but I also know that isn't possible without being completely disowned. So, I'm conflicted and have been for years.

Could anyone explain to me the a psychology level what's going on?

Related Posts

More Related Posts