In love with my sis in law

Seems like a lot of people on here post fantasy stories/confessions that are made up to get reactions. But this confession/story you are about to read is the honest to god truth. Real events and real feelings I am sharing and getting off my chest. I can’t tell anyone else in my life for obvious reasons. This website and you readers are my outlet. Seven years ago on here I confessed that I cheated with my sis in law (My Wife’s brother’s wife). This confession goes a little deeper in detail and updates the situation since then. I’m not a good writer but I’ll do my best. Let’s get started. I’ve had an emotional affair with my sis in law for years and also on occasion we have kissed, felt each other up, and my dick has been in her mouth a few times. This one dark cold night seven years ago we were walking alone home very drunk from a mutual friends house and taking a short cut on a trail that goes past a baseball field at a school. We stopped and sat on the bench in the dugout and talked and flirted a bit which turned into kissing, touching and rubbing and blah blah blah. She eventually just took charge and took my cock out and put into her warm mouth. She is stroking and sucking on my cock for a few minutes and all of a sudden the next thing I know she had taken her panties off and she gets up and is bent over the bench waiting for me to slide inside her. Something I’ve been fantasizing and wanting to do for a very long time! My heart was racing! Thinking OMG it’s finally going to happen! With pants around my ankles I get behind her. At this point I don’t know if it’s the cold, the alcohol, the nervousness or the guilt (probably all four) but I started to lose my erection! So I started to rub the head of my cock up and down between her wet pussy lips to try to get my erection so I could slip inside her but the guilt kicked in big time and I couldn’t get it back. We stopped and we both sat down. She then laid on the bench with her head in my lap. I ended up just grabbing the back of her forcing to my cock and just having her lick the head of my cock while I jerked off my 3/4 erect cock. By my surprise I managed to still climax and blow huge load. We sat there for a few and then continued our walk till the fork where we went separate ways, she went to her house and I went to mine. The next day the guilt had made me I feel really physically I’ll and I wasn’t myself for the next few days. Guilt overwhelmed her as well. I haven’t fooled around with her much after that over the past 7 years. Once in a while when ever we are alone I get an ass slap or grab in or a quick kiss or hand down her shirt and squeeze her breast and nipple. I will sometimes send or show her videos and pictures of me jerking off to her. Some are of me cumming onto pictures of her. I have even gone to lengths of photo shopping her head onto porn pictures of guys DP’ing her, her getting fucked by BBC, cummed on, pissed on. I look at those and jerk off to them. I once even stole a pair of her dirty under wear and sniffed and tasted them and jerked off with them. Fuck they smelled so good! Her scent gave me an instant rock hard erection. Every time I jerk off it’s to her. Fantasizing about her gives me the best orgasms. I love it when it’s her that makes me cum. Sometimes when I’m fucking my wife I pretend it’s my sis in law. My sis in law obviously knows how much I love her and I am open to her about it. I tell her that if the two of us are ever single at the same time that I want us to be together and take care of each other (probably the only way that will happen if we both out live our spouses lol). By then we will be super old though but idc. I love her so much and genuinely care about her. We have a special bond together. We do have an understanding between is that she is my Goddess and I’m here to worship, love and adore her. I love pleasing her and doing things for her. I’d do anything for her. I’ll end this by just saying that she is the best and I love and care about her so much and I’m so thankful to have her in my life. She makes me so happy. I need to keep her in my life for ever. So I need stop doing stupid shit with her (fooling around with her and sending her naughty texts). If we get caught it would destroy our families and then I would end up losing her forever. I know what you all are thinking. I’m fucked up and well maybe I am and need help. Definitely need help with being able to let go of the emotional and physical affair and just lover her and be her friend. I’m trying. I know some will judge and call me sick or what ever but any advice on how let go of the affair would be amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and any advice/comments would be greatly appreciated.