Having sexual intrusive thoughts about my non blood-related uncle

It's happening again.
This has happened many time before. About having sexual fantasies about my non blood-related uncle.
This lusting for him, has even made me do something in real life, which was that I sent him a friend request on Facebook.

I don't know what's so special about him... maybe is that he was mostly there, in my childhood.
He was so nice.
I did see him as my second dad. I found myself, my little self, being so comfortable around him. And safe...

But... this shit? Lusting for him? And previously seeing him as a second father in my child days? ...what the fuck.

In my teen years, where he and I met a few times- I didn't have any lusts. I was just a distant, awkward kid.

But suddenly.... out of nowhere, in my 18s-20's
Here i am.
Here it is.
A mess.
A big fucking pile of mess.

TMI*
Whenever I 'do it', I watch some adult videos.... I would imagine the guy in the video who's doing the girl- as my uncle, doing me. I would immediately just lose it.

Do I want him? Or am I just in a constant phase where most early 20's go through? Like a sexual, blooming, phase... i don't know. Whatever it is... it's damaging me hard.
It's fucked up. I know it's fucked up.
I'm fucked up because he's married... has two grown up boys.
I won't do anything big and serious... I have some self control and am socially aware. But...When it comes to being alone in a room, that's the only time where i would just lose it.
I'm just suffering in silence with this... I do have some guilt. This secret of mine, is another reason why i wanted to commit suicide.

I dont know...
Did something happen to me in my childhood to be this fucked? Maybe. Did i get molested by someone in my childhood to the brink of my brain choosing to not remember it to protect me? A trauma? I don't know... I'm sure this is one of them too. I did get molested. I only remember a few incidents.

Everyone's fucked. Right? Then, i'm on the band wagon on this one too.

Can I just be normal?

That's all.
This is my confession.

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