In Need Of Understanding And Support

I am definitely in need of some understanding and support. The past 6 months have been very challenging for my husband and me. We have been married 2 years. We met during freshman year in high school and dated exclusively in high school and throughout college. We got engaged when we graduated college and were married a year later.
Six months ago I was assaulted by a man in my home while my husband was at work. It still seems unreal to me that I am a “sexual assault survivor,” but I am. The assault was really scary, painful, and humiliating for me. I can’t say enough good things about the people who came together to help and support me after my assault – the police, nurses, doctors, counselors, and my husband.
I feel like I was not only assaulted physically, but also emotionally and mentally. My body was hurt and so was my marriage. My husband has been wonderful but I know he is struggling to come to grips with what happened to me. He was the first person I called after my attacker left and he rushed home to take me to the hospital. He stood by and held my hand during the exams I had at the hospital and while I gave a statement to the police.
I was so in shock by what had happened to me, just trying to survive from moment to moment during my exams and interviews, that I wasn’t aware of how the entire process affected my poor husband. Looking back months later, I can see how “graphic” those first few hours after the attack must have been for my husband. Nurses were in and out swabbing me everywhere, taking samples. I have a clear memory of the nurse taking the sexual assault kit politely asking me where she should swab for semen samples and me answering “Everywhere.” She gently asked me to be more specific and I replied, “My mouth, my vagina, and my bottom.” It was at this moment my husband was introduced to exactly what happened to me. The nurse was going through a long list of what I guess are standard questions: “How many men where you attacked by?” “One.” “Did he penetrate you sexually?” “Yes.” “Where did he penetrate you sexually?” “He forced me to perform oral sex on him. He forced me to have intercourse. Then he sodomized me, made me have anal sex.” “Did your attacker wear a condom during any or all of the sex acts he performed on you?” “No, none of them.” “Do you know if your attacker ejaculated during the assault?” “Yes, he did.” “Can you tell me where he ejaculated?” “He ejaculated each time he attacked me, in each place I mean.” “Are you saying he ejaculated in your mouth, vagina, and rectum?” “Yes, he did.” The questions went on and on.

At one point I remember one nurse talking to another saying something like “I think I see quite a bit of semen in her panties. Let’s bag those for evidence.”
My poor husband was standing there, trying to comfort and support me, listening to all of this!
I wasn’t physically or emotionally prepared to resume intimacy with my husband for weeks. I was sore for quite a while as I healed from bruising and tearing in my vagina and rectum. The first time my husband and I tried being intimate a couple months ago, it was awkward at best. I know he likes when I perform oral sex on him and I like to do that for him. But, since my attack he hasn’t asked me for that. I think he’s afraid to. When we have intercourse he’s very, very gentle with me. He is able to ejaculate, but I have not experienced an orgasm with him since the attack. Also, I saw a couple websites on his computer about how to make anal sex pleasurable for your partner. Prior to my assault, I had never experienced anal sex. My husband and I had talked about it, but had never tried it. I am open to trying it with my husband. But, like oral sex, I think he’s afraid to bring it up.
Thank You to all that have read what I’ve written. I truly appreciate your understanding and support!

--- Marcy

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  • I had an experience similar to yours Marcy. I am sure it's different for every woman. My husband was reluctant sexually after my assault. If (when) you are ready, you may just want to "take the initiative" with your husband. It's up to you. For example, with my husband, one night I just decided to "give him head." He was reluctant at first, but finally got into it. I just kept going until he was done. I wanted him to know that it was OK to be in my mouth again. My husband and I had tried "butt sex" prior to my assault, but he wouldn't initiate it after my assault. Like with oral sex, one night I just reached down, repositioned him and said "I want you in my bottom." Since then, it's been no problem. Good luck! Tedde.

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