Sometimes feel gay.

When I was 5 my family moved from a country home to a home in town.
By the time I was 6 I had made some pretty good friends down the street. Three brothers. One my age, one younger by a couple of years and one four years older.
As time went on we began to have sleep overs at one another's houses.
At probably about 7 or 8, when I would stay at their house, the oldest brother began to come to me in the night, crawl into my sleeping bag or bed and feel me up and play with my penis. This seemed so strange and dirty to me that I always pretended I was sleeping. But at the same time, it was so exciting and felt so good.
He would usually take my hand and place it on his hard penis and rub my hand up and down it. I sometimes would respond with a light squeeze just to keep him interested.
Soon he would get up and leave.
Being so young I only knew that it was exciting and felt good. Never knew the how or why. This went on for a few years and, needless to say, I was always super interested in any chance for a sleepover at their house.
I always continued my "fake sleep" because that way I could pretend I didn't even know it happened. Whether he believed I was really sleeping or not, I don't know. But it made it easy to never have to talk about it. And we never did. After all, we were a couple of good Catholic boys.
But it wouldn't happen every time I slept over and many times I was disappointed.
Then, one night when he came to me, he began feeling me like .... all over my body for a while. Almost like hugging me. Then he placed my hand on it, rubbed it for a while, there seemed to be some kind of tension and movement, and suddenly my hand was covered in slime. I had no idea what had just happened, didn't know what that shit was or how it got there, but it definitely came out of his penis. Well, he got up and left just like all the other times.
I never let on. I just kind of wiped my hand off on the blanket, sort of .... away from me and went to sleep. I was probably about 10 or 11 by then. That same scenario happened several times when I was there over the next few years.
Then I moved away. But I would come back to visit quite a lot in the summers and the three of them and myself would go on ski trips together in winter.
But by then the oldest had gotten a girlfriend and a car, the sleepovers of course didn't happen anymore or were rare. Maybe on a ski trip or two.
Then we went on a weekend overnight trip. The sleeping arrangements placed me in not only the same room with him, but in the same bed as well. I was 15 at this time he was 19 or 20.
Well, I got into the bed a little awkwardly, thinking of what had happened years before. Eventually fell asleep, but only to be awakened by hands all over me. Tru to form, I played the sleep act. But this time was a little more aggressive. He completely pushed himself against me from behind, began rubbing himself all over me for a few minutes, then, while not penetrating, (I think because neither of us knew how)
Put his cock between my balls and the flrsh of my thigh, pulled me close, humped, bumped and came all over me that way. When he was done, he got up, went to the bathroom and cleaned, I did the same a few minutes later, crawled back in bed and went to sleep, and nothing was ever said about it, ever. His brothers never knew or could only suspect any of this had gone on over the yesrs. Shortly after that, I never saw those guys again.
I'm not gay and eventually everyone married and went their way. But these days, reflecting back on that experience, I find myself wanting to subject myself to and submit to men. It's like a hot experience that I'm ashamed of, but yet so appealed to me that I can't forget it.
What is up with that?

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