What have I become? I need to confess
I'm going to come out and say it. I am a cheater. I have cheated on my wife so many times over the years that I don't even think I can remember them all. Our marriage always been rocky and I react poorly to our fighting. I feel pushed away, unloved and I lash out be cheating.
I would go months without cheating and then I would get the urge to fuck someone. I would go on sites like DoubleList, Reddit, or use apps Kik. The women are pretty easy to find...they're looking for the same thing.
As the years have gone on, and our arguments are far less often but far more angry, I have felt more alone than ever. My wife was out of town all week and I was home alone. I spent the entire week trying to find women. Day, night. Every day. I would chat, share pics, make plans but something always made it the wrong time.
I put a post on Reddit and a 16 year old girl found me. I didn't know she was 16 at the time but she wanted an older man. She told me she was a virgin and didn't want to lose it but she wanted me to fuck her in the ass anytime I needed it. Instead of freaking out when she told me her age (16 is age of consent in my state) I actually entertained the idea. We flirted and talked about what we'd do. I know she's legal but 16, really?
But the big one just happened a couple hours ago. I found a girl on Kik. I picked her up, and took her back to my place. I quickly snuck her from the car to a camper in the driveway. We smoked a little pot and we started fucking. She was the craziest person I have ever been with all she wanted to do was having me cum in her ass and give me head...over and over...like my greatest dream.
Shortly after I cam in her ass, I was hit with this wave of disgust for what I had done. What had I become? I didn't see me as some sexual weirdo but when I look back at the week...I think I'm a little fucked in the head. I am beyond disgusted.
After a while, she started talking crazy talk that made me feel like I was not with a girl but some crazy demon. Some of the things coming out of her mouth had me freaked out. Like...was this a sign that if I keep going, I am damned.
I didn't see what I was, but maybe because I was high, I could slow down and really take a look at what I have been doing. Not just this week, but our entire marrage. Who the fuck does that to someone they love? Who the fuck thinks it's OK? How the fuck thinks they can justify being a piece of shit? Turns out, me.
I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had been emotionally mature enough to reach out to her when I feel alone or hurt. I wish I had simply been a better person. I hate me.