Fantasy
I totally want to get raped. I want a hot guy to kidnap me for a few hours and fuck me hard in the back of his car while I cry. I want him to beat me, and force me to do sexual things I'm not comfortable with. I want my body to respond to him even though I don't want to. I want him to make me suck his dick until I choke and then to cum in mouth. I want him to fuck me and tell me not to get wet, because he'll punish me if my pussy is wet. I want him to dominate my body and shower me in his cum. I want him to tell me that he will fuck me whenever he pleases and I am his toy.
Rape fantasies are common. Don't feel bad about it.
You need to have a boyfriend you can totally trust, someone you know VERY well, someone mature and sensible, someone you can trust to tell this to who won't judge you for it. Mature.
You need to have a "safe word", a word or phrase you can say if the experience becomes too intense, or otherwise goes in a direction you're definitely not comfortable with. That way he knows if the scene is still enjoyable to you or if you need to stop.
You should discuss with him all the elements you like in your fantasy. Do you fantasize about him grabbing a handful of your hair while he is fucking you doggy style? Does dirty talk excite you, i.e. do you like to be called bitch, slut, etc.?
Do you like the idea of being bound, spanked, having to wear a butt plug, having anal sex?
You can do all these things. And you can be safe and secure at the same time, provided your partner is a mature man who has your best interests foremost in mind and is willing to help you live out your fantasy.
You MUST take measures to safeguard and protect yourself. Your friends should all get to know your boyfriend. You should date him for a long time before thinking about making yourself vulnerable in this way. Your best friend should know what you're doing, how long you plan to engage in this scene, etc. Please don't fail to do these things, and take other steps. There are creeps, bad men in this world. Don't be a victim of one of them.
I am assuming you are of legal age to engage in sex with adults. If not, then just wait until you're an adult.
How old are you?