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Contradiction
I'm currently dating this girl. she's way younger than me (i'm 27, she just turned 20), but i like her because she's very mature and intelligent, probably the smartest person i know. she's a college student, very well-read, and actively involved in social matters, mostly feminist causes (which i'm all for). she's a very fierce advocate for equality, prevention of violence against women, protection of rape victims...
and i'm currently facing a contradiction with what she does during the day, and our sex life. I haven't asked her about it out of fear of starting an argument and being ill-equipped (intellectually speaking) to even understand it. thing is, most of the things she likes in the bedroom would probably be disapproved by feminist movements, i guess. without being too graphic, some of the things she likes (and i mean REALLY likes, she just goes nuts) are sometimes too rough even for porn. i'm not exactly complaining, she's a goddess in bed (perhaps way too experienced for her age) and doing some of those things feels extremely good, but others really raise some questions for me. sometimes she likes me to hit her, call her names, perform rape fantasies with her, outright humilliate her (don't ask)...
i'm just wondering how these two facets of her match. it's all consensual and it's not all the time, but it's just contradictory for me...
I have become fuck buddies with a woman very similar to your girlfriend. I was dating a woman who's best friend ( the woman i now fuck off and on) is outwardly a militant feminist. She does the marches and rallies the whole bit. With in ten minutes of meeting her she will tell you about how she was raped, two hours after meeting her you will learn it was a gang rape at a high school party were everyone was drunk and high.
In spite of that fact or because of it, she loves to be dominated and controlled when it comes to sex . I will admit after the first time she came to my house and we had sex I worried she would cry rape but it turned into a night of her being a very submissive woman with some great sex. I'm sure it has something to do with her relating sex with being forced but if she can get off on it good for her. To you I would say enjoy it , she is comfortable with you and trusts you enough to explore this part of her life with you go with it and have fun.
I would think there are some issues here that you don't know about. Something might have happened to her in the past that motivates both of these behaviors. You do what you want, but if it were me, I'd be a little scared of this relationship and move on. If you stay, you better be careful about that hitting thing. Leaving marks and such. People may not know about her private side but I'm sure several, even many, know how outspoken she is about women's rights and all. If they find out a person like this is being abused (not true but they think it is), there wont be any defence you could offer that would convince them otherwise. One word from her would either sink your ship or set you free. That means she'd be choosing to let her secret out and face ridicule, or throw you under the bus to save total humiliation and reputation. Don't make her mad. You've been warned.
You're looking at it backwards. The sex life isn't the contradiction, it's the reality. She is hard-wired to enjoy being dominated, but she can't make sense of it with her intellect, so she compensates for it in her public life with her political views. She chose you to act on her fantasies with because you aren't primarily an intellectual type, so she feels like she can ask for the things she really wants without you trying to argue with her. Don't try to sort out her issues, she'll just find someone dumber to have sex with. Just enjoy it and support her, this is the way she has chosen to be herself.
What? Just because someone intellectually understands that rape is evil does not mean that it is not a psychological turn on in a "safe environment". Intelligent minds result in complicated psyches, and we cannot control what turns us on. Think of it as somewhat extreme role play and try to enjoy yourself.