Don't Drink and Drive

I have wanted to confess this story for awhile now, but never knew where to do it; until now. About eight years ago I was driving home after helping some old friends move into their new apartment. It was a little bit after 11 O’clock when I left. It had been a long and exhausting afternoon and I must have been more tired than I realized because when I left I took the beer I had been drinking with me. I had driven maybe 5 miles or so when the red and blue flashing lights appeared behind me. I obediently pulled over to the side of the road, turned of my engine and waited as the officer approached my car. She was a short, stout -uniform stretching- Latina of some sort. Early forties with way too much make up and completely plucked eyebrows replaced by clownish grease pencil drawings. To this day I am uncertain as to which of us became aware of the beer can between my legs first. “Drinking and driving is not only a crime, Sir. It can be a felony.” She said sternly, “A felony that demands mandatory jail time, heavy fines and automatic suspension of your driver's license.”
I awkwardly started to explain, but before I got too many words out she continued. “Sir, I’m still talking. You’re just listening. The reason I pulled you over tonight was you didn’t signal before changing lanes back there. But now, I guess, what I need to know is how much you have been drinking this evening?” I explained to her my sad excuse while she shined her flashlight around the interior of my vehicle. She stood there a long time before coming to a decision. My heart sank when she demanded, “License and registration...” After handing them over to her she studied them and said, “I don’t think you're intoxicated, but I am going to walk back to my car and check this registration. While I’m doing that you’ll have some time to think. And what you really need to think about is this: While it is clearly illegal to drink and drive; driving naked and playing with your boner is more of a grey area... Now you and I both know that when I approached this vehicle you had “something” sticking up between your legs. I’m gonna’ let you decide, but when I walk back to this car -if I see a beer can I will arrest you!” When she returned a few minutes later she immediately shone her flashlight between my legs at my semi-erect penis. Laughing out loud she said, “Not packing much down there are ya’?” She then said something in Spanish and laughed again.
After what seemed an eternity of embarrassment she handed me my license and registration. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson tonight... You’re dick ain’t big enough for a second break so when I say, ‘Now,’ I want you to quickly step out of your vehicle, run around to passenger side and dump out whatever is in that can.”
“Like this?” I asked more than a little bit scared.
“Oh, please,” She laughed again. “ Even if someone was looking they wouldn’t be able to see that tiny little dick you’ve got.” She looked up and down the street and when it was clear there would be no cars for a while she said, “Now, hurry!” Jumping out I ran as fast as I have ever run in my life around the car, dumped the remainder of my beer and started to run back.
“Hold on there Speedy. I didn’t say to come back yet...” As I stood there on the side of the road completely naked and now fully erect she walked over, removed her cell phone and snapped a picture. “Now you can go.” She announced. Then without another word she walked back to her patrol car and drove away.

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