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I wanted to have sex with my stepdad
When I was 22 my mother met a man who she got engaged to and married within two years. That was over 10 years ago, I was a student then and when I used to visit I found that he would look at my body a lot and notice certain things I wore. I found myself dressing better, wearing more fitted things and looking forward to visiting so I could show off to him. At first my mother did not pay any attention bc she was used to me messing around, playing jokes etc and I was convinced that's all it was. I found my eyes drifting to his crotch quite often, and he was rather large and I was caught once so made a joke about it. In the end I stated fantasizing about having sex with him, and at this point every time he looked at me I got turned on. If he touched me my breathing rate would go up and it got to the point where my mother began to notice. The thoughts would not stop and my mother got as if she did not want me to stay long in the house and would do things to put me off being there. She was very tactful at not bringing the issue up but once she came to me and said " look, he is someone for me at my age you could get anyone" and laughed this off and made a few jokes. Then the night before her wedding she threw me out of the house, she did not speak to me on her big day and for a couple of years after that we did not speak. I returned to her fully identifying as a lesbian and dating women a few years later and I could no longer look him in the eye. It was scary bc he had an hard look for me then, I could tell he resented I was no longer as appealing in my more boyish clothes as I had gone back to being who I was in terns of dress and before that I was always bisexual. I'n truth I did go off men for a good few years, until reciently when I realize I want to start sleeping with men again. I mentioned it to my mother and things have been a bit odd, its like I'm scared to express that part of myself around her now and its bizzare that I feel more at ease being fully a lesbian because I'm scared she may turn on me again. I'm also scared that the thoughts could return, but I will always dress in baggy mens clothes around him and her. Last time I was there he was aggressive towards me, I'm kind of hoping that has put me off because I don't like that in a man and he has shown me he has that side now. I wish he had done so years ago, but if he had I doubt she would have married him. I'm glad I never did sleep with him, I don't think I would have ever forgiven myself as that's not normally the kind of thing I do. Ive turned down men who have been married or with someone.
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