Things Left Unsaid, Wisely

This is not, in fact, particularly naughty. It is sad, inappropriate, obsessive, wonderful, and agonizing.

We are both partnered. I'm a few years older than you. I have a young child to care for. You have a life of many achievements and surprises to discover. These simple facts preempt any thought of us becoming close. This means I've never had to confront my real fear; that I'm deeply infatuated with you, and that you would never desire me in the way I pine for you.

I will never tell you how I feel. I will park it here as a confession. If things had been different I would have told you all of this and more. I hope never read this, but if you happen upon it someday and realize I'm speaking to you, please forgive me.

We don't know each other well - certainly not well enough for me to feel as I do. Nevertheless, every conversation and message we've exchanged has been meaningful to me. I used to send you links to videos and sites that captivated me and appealed to my inscrutable obsessions. You not only tolerated these emails, you embraced them and interacted with me in a way that made me feel special and understood. One of the best emails I've ever received contained only one word; "MAGICAL," which was your response to a link I sent you. I think very few people would have appreciated that link, but you understood what made it special. I found your response so sweet and simple that it makes me smile just to think of that word.

I recall one conversation we had about photography. This probably meant very little to you, but to me it was an amazing conversation about strange concepts, like the unnatural capturing of a moment that should have passed unnoticed, and the way deceased people live on as two dimensional ghosts in film, like some over simplified versions of themselves. It made me realize how lucky your partner is to have such a brilliant woman to talk to every single day. I hope he fully appreciates you and that you never fall into the comfortable silence of an old and passionless relationship.

You are brave and honest. I don't think I've ever met someone as genuine and sincere as you. The way you make others feel important and respected is beautiful and endearing. You are impossibly kind and engaging. You draw people to you with your wit and humor, and your laugh - God, your laugh. Your voice is as pure as a bell and your laugh sends chills down my spine. Your voice makes me melt. I can barely stand it.

Your courage to try new things, and your confidence in your ability to succeed at those things is inspiring. I love your nerdy hobbies. I love that you love those things. They just make you even more special and unique. You are so unapologetically you. I admire you greatly and wish I could be more like you.

I don't know how you perceive yourself. Are you insecure about anything? Do you realize how wonderful you are? You are winsome, dishy, breathtaking; don't wish away a single freckle. I shiver at the thought of running my fingers through your flaxen hair or pressing my lips against the pale porcelain skin of your neck. To me, you are like sculpture. Whatever flaws you may think you have, they are rendered invisible by everything you are as a woman and a human being. You are, without question, the most adorable woman I have ever known.

You are gone now. We exchanged a somewhat awkward goodbye. I wrote you a note. You left me a note in response - more out of kindness to my feelings than anything else. I wish I could have told you more, but it wouldn't have been productive. It's better that you don't know. Now that I'll never see you again, I feel a little less anxious. I wonder how you are occasionally, but I try not to think about you. I know it isn't healthy.

What I saw in you was a worthy judge. I saw someone so special that I knew if you loved and accepted me, then I could love myself. This is, of course, ridiculous. And you had no reason to love me. But I have learned through this experience that I will never be loved or able to accept love until I'm able to see value in myself and forgive myself for my mistakes. So, someday I will figure this out. I'll learn to love myself they way you love yourself instinctively. I will never be as special or radiant as you, but I will find humility and value in myself.

I'm so glad to have known you. I will miss you.

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