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Why am I this way? I’m 15 and a girl
So.. I’m 15 and since I was 14 maybe 13 I’ve had really bad sexual fantasies.. like bestiality ones and even worse things I don’t think I should mention.. but it envolvs illegal things. I’ve been hypersexual since I was 5 years old and I’m not sure why I’m this way. Does anyone know why maybe? Is it possible somebody did something to me and i don’t remember?
To be honest the only thing I remember happening was in second grade. This older girl used to give me gifts if I let her watch me pee. She would sneak into the bathroom stall, pull my panties down and watch. Also, I used to chat with men in their 30s on Miiverse.. but I don’t remember much.
Ok so like when I was a preteen my father had me engage sexually with him behind my mom's back.
It stopped when I got old enough to get pregnant.
The shame I feel is overwhelming at times but it doesn't stop me from thinking about those times when I masturbate. :(
You enjoyed it
Do you have an older brother?
Your consciousness blurs anything traumatic out but your subconscious and your body remembers. Definitely signs of abuse and/ or early exposure. Best thing to do is NOT cold turkey quit since you’d get fixated on it, but to filter that stuff out, go to phone settings and block NSFW stuff and try to avoid impulses (give yourself 1 hour before acting on viewing/ physically doing anything). Limit yourself to one impulse per day/ every few days.
I had a very similar situation also, and limited myself to more “vanilla” porn. If I felt like I *needed* it after 1 hour, I limited myself to 1 video under 15 min. Definitely regulated on rewiring my way of thinking and accepting if anything happened, that I am in control of my body.
Some grounding techniques is:
Look at your clock every now and then and notice the time for at least 30 seconds.
Look around and see how many things are (pick 1 color) purple, or green around you.
Grab something in front of you, what does it feel like/ remind you of.
I hope it gets better for you, definitely stay away from more intense stuff, self guilt & justification of addiction will eat you alive and consume you.