It's a about being a lesbian and man who loves her

In today's climate what I am going to tell gets negative reactions. I am a lesbian. In college I had a girlfriend, she was a hard core lesbian and was an out and out activist. I couldn't resist her and I know now that I was under her thumb and it was a toxic relationship. But at 19 I did what she told me.

My mother turned 50 and I went home for the party. I brought my 'girlfriend' with me. She was outspoken, a bitch in every sense of the word, and made everyone uncomfortable. That was her purpose, to put the gay life up front and center and ruin the lives of those around her. But at that party was a man, yes a man who didn't take to her language. He grabbed her by the neck until she had no choice but to bend and walk where he led her. She got her purse and he kicked her out of the house, physically, with a 'boot' on her ass and she went tumbling. Turning to me he pointed his finger at me and told me to 'sit down'.

I know from experience that there is nothing worse for a lesbian than to be put in her place, especially by a man. She started calling me, texting me. The man took my phone, turned it off and dropped it in the punch bowl. Now 'sit here' he told me. I knew not to move so I kept quiet. Little by little I got more room to breathe and to be able to get back up and stand around the table and sing Happy Birthday. I went home with him, or he took me home with him. He showed me his house and told me that women made the home and my mother had told him that I would make a good housewife.

I woke up in bed with him, and no longer a virgin. I wasn't prepared and I ended up pregnant. 19 and a sophomore in college. He gave me choice, come home to him and marry him or lose the baby. I packed my things and I went 'home' to him and got married. He 'kept' me pregnant and I became a housewife. Talk was about the best way to do laundry, how to cook dinner. What to feed the kids, and how to dress them. I copied my mother with decorating and dressed up when he took me out to dinner. I gained thirty pounds with four children. I turned 30, ten years married with four children.

I never had anything to do with 'that' woman. Or any other woman like her. I fell for, or had infatuations with, several women along the way but didn't succumb to the temptation. I understood clearly, if I cheated he cheated and I didn't want him cheating. I was 'home' for him, he needed sexual release he knew where to come get it.

One of the women, she was a new teacher and taught my youngest daughter at the day care, had those eyes and manners that flagged her to me. She was a touchy feely girl and over affectionate. No matter how I grabbed her and pulled her to me, she gave in and let me hold her for that too long a minute. I invited her to baby sit for me and she came over. I invited her to baby sit and I stayed with her. Somewhere around that time I kissed her on the cheek and then kissed her lips. While the 'baby' was taking her nap we took a nap ourselves. I cheated.

I told my husband and he asked me if I liked her, was she someone worth keeping or was she someone to throw away. Well if he put it that way she was worth keeping. So he told me, 'well then keep her', to hold her close and make sure her nose was up my skirt and not some other woman's. Skip the sex and make love with her. I deserved a nice girl.

He never once got between us, when he was around he was always polite and nice to her. When he was at work, well then it was open season. We kissed a lot, I guess all new girlfriends kiss a lot, and my kids met her. We cooked together for Sunday dinner, we prepared birthday celebrations. We sat and watched a movie, lame and foolish movies, and cuddled under the blanket. It was a love affair in the making and my husband didn't stop it, he let it happen.

I'll be honest, I was terribly uncomfortable. But I kissed her one day in front of him and he never even raised his finger. One night I undressed and got ready for bed and I asked him if he wanted me to keep on my underwear. He asked me what I thought, get on the bed and get to work and show him why he was my husband. After making love I asked him, why was he letting me have a girlfriend?

He kissed me. And didn't answer.

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