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Bisexual, kind of?
So nobody I know, friends or family, have ever caught me and I've definitely not told any of them that I have a kinky secret. For years now I have had fun wearing women's clothes. I am 5'11" 145lbs so I'm fit but not exactly a big muscular guy. I work as a maintenance tech at multi building apartment complex. I have 3 kids with 2 girls but only 1 living with me and my girlfriend now. Aside from having long hair in a ponytail, I have zero feminine mannerisms. I do however, feel a certain kind of arousal when I'm alone putting on my girlfriends sexy panties and bras. I believe my ass is very sexy and I take a ton of selfies in the mirror in different poses and outfits. There's a deep down need that I haven't figured out how to fulfill. I'm into anal play with dildos of various sizes and love to vibrate my cock and jack it off til I cum with some prostate play. One day I would like someone with a big cock to fuck my ass and cum hard up inside me. I also have a fantasy of sucking dicks. Here's the part that's weird it's never happened and don't know if it's even possible. I'm not at all gay (?) and am not attracted to men walking out around town or at work or at the grocery store. I could never fuck a man's asshole, although I love anal sex with women. Another thing is I would never let another dude touch my penis or suck it. The thought of that actually repulses me. Kiss a guy? NO! Yuck. Ever! But I'm okay sucking a dick (I think) That makes no sense to me. In fact I've played it out in my head many, many times and the most likely way would be for me to be lightweight forced, like my head being pulled down and reluctantly submitting to what is absolutely expected of me. A coerced blow job. I think once I get a taste I'll be off and excitedly, greedily hogging that cock in and out of my lips and slobbering til my face and his hard on are glistening and shimmering. This seems like an easy shif from that to me being bent the fuck over and fucked roughly. I want that cum up my ass I'll have my hands spreading both cheeks while getting rammed by him. I want to hear and feel his thrusts slapping against my skin while rocking back into it getting it deep as possible. There is an intense craving to have him use my ass to bust a nut all the way in my fuck hole. This is defiantly the ultimate goal to have my fantasy realized, to use my hole to give another man a ball draining, cum blasting orgasm. And after all that I'm still not into guys. I don't want to date them, hang out with them or even talk to them. Just have never been in the right place with the right circumstance. Also another barrier to getting my groove on is STD's. How can I ever let a guy cum in my ass when I'm almost 100% sure guys who behave that way with strangers are infected? Imagine me bringing HIV or Syphilis home to my girlfriend of 4 years. It's no mystery who gave it to her. Just like 2 guys farting in an elevator, both of them are well aware which one did it. Doesn't seem like sucking a cock through a condom would be very fun for either of us. So for now I'll stick to masturbating when I'm alone and continue to have fantastic sex with my girlfriend regularly. Still I'm confused if that makes me bisexual cause I'm kind of a virgin when it comes to men.
I think what you feel is pretty common, especially with middle aged men. I have 0 attraction to men but I love their cocks and cum. It's weird that I could never kiss a guy but I'll shove his cock down the back of my throat. Panty and women's undergarment play is a huge fetish of mine. I've never gone out in full women's clothes but my wife has dressed me up and had a guy fuck my throat at home. I really don't even enjoy dick, it's the cum I'm after. My favorite is when my wife fucks another guy and I get to do the cleanup. I swear if there was a job of cleanup guy on porn sets I'd be the best qualified. Keep experimenting until you find what you like. Happy exploring!