I have lustful fantasies with my uncle.

I'm a 21 year old girl. I did have a boyfriend once, he was an online boyfriend. It wasn't that serious. We ended it early.

That was nearly 10 years ago. I was only 12 at that time.
Ever since, I grew up as a dead inside girl who never wanted to date anyone else.
Suddenly, (18y.o me) one night I was horny, before I could type in a porn site on the searchbar- the image of my uncle Larry's (fake name) face popped up, completely out of the blue. It came in like a flash of light.

And then....

I felt an arousal.

I felt butterflies.

I was immediately hit with the most lustrous feeling I've ever felt, I was immediately wet. My stomach felt weird. My heart was beating hard. It was uncontrollable...
So, I watched few porn involving fake uncle x niece intercourses.
When I pictured the male actor as Larry and the female actor as me....
I got even more hot. I came 4 times.
That was my first fantasy with Larry...
And ever since, whenever I watch porn- I can't get an arousal until I fantasize about him again. I would always successfully finish. Because of him.

I'm completely fucked up. Honestly, no offense to Larry....
He's not even 'that' attractive.... but- from what I've gathered after being used to seeing him around ever since I was a child- his personality is extremely charming. He's like 30+ years apart from me. I know its very fucked and I'm not even gonna try to justify my fucked up home-wrecker behavior and feelings.....
But...when I can't control something...im just bound to live with it.
Like my depression. For an exemple.

Honestly, I really want this sick fantasy of my uncle to permanently go away from my heart..
I just know, it will fuck up my future relationship and sex life with my future boyfriend.
I dont want to fantasize my uncle while he is doing me.
Hell no.
But this is hard for me.
Idk what the fuck made me....this....weird.
Is it my past abuse? Is it my mentality? Have I gone crazy? Am I just trying to latch onto a good person just to cope with so much abuse I've endured from my own family members??? Am I just....weird?

This is all.
I've kept this for 3 years now. Thought it was time to let it out.