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Am I a pedophile, or a victim of pedophilia?
BTW, I am a transgender person so I ask you to use they/them pronouns please. I know that’s aside the point of this, but thinking about and asking this kind of stuff makes me feel shitty enough, and using the right pronouns is really all I can ask of you.
Back story: when I was 7 years old I was molested and had my virginity stolen by my 13 year old half-brother. We found our dad’s porn and watched it. I said I wanted to try the things with him, now thinking back he should have known better. Then his visit was done and he went back to his mom’s house. When I was 14 and he was 20 we reconnected through Facebook, Minecraft and Skype. He made me feel good and manipulated me into sending photos of my chest and our relationship turned sexual. Then for the next 2-3 years he would mentally and sexually manipulate me, and abuse me. It caused me to start self-harming (as he did), and triggered suicidal thoughts. I didn’t leave earlier was because I had another boy at my school who was also sexually harassing and blackmailing me, so I thought it was all from that since my brother would make me feel good when I was down (as long as it wasn’t his fault I was down).
Now I’m 18. And I think my brother fucked me up for life. I think it’s because this all happened when I was a young teen and in my sexual awakening. Now, one of the few ways I can get off during sex or during self-pleasure is putting myself back into the shoes of a young and innocent child who is being sexually abused. I know it’s wrong and super fucked, but is that pedophilia? My understanding of pedophilia is it’s having or wanting sex with a child. But is imagining yourself as a child the same thing? And is it worse since there is a mental connection to a real event?
Did the pain make you cut yourself? How do you feel when you do it?
OP here. I use to. I’m 1 year clean from self harm, and cutting use to make me feel better until I realized just how fucking dumb I was, and then it made me feel like shit. So I worked towards stoping in order to better myself.
Tell us how it made you feel better, was it like a drug? It was something thst you controlled, not him or your parents.
OP here. It made me feel better because I felt like it was something I deserved, and that I was doing the world a favor. I also have a mild interest in blood. It doesn’t help that my brother self harmed, and he encouraged me to do so at the time. He would insult me if I didn’t cut deep enough, and at the time I wanted to impress him (awful, I know). So when he would emotionally abuse me I knew it wouldn’t be permit. I would cut because it’s what I deserved, and then I would work on cutting deeper to impress the one who was making me cut in the first place.
Do you still want to cut?
OP here. Honestly, sometimes I still do. But I have ways of coping with that now. I never want to fall back into the cycle I was trapped in because it truly was the worst part of my life so far. I still struggle with the same depression, traumatic memories, and other stuff that I did back then... but now I have better ways of handling it in ways that don’t physically harm me. Not all of them are healthy, and not all are compleatly effective. But it sure as hell is better than sliding a blade against my skin.
Them / they? Why would we need to used the words them / they?
OP here. Because of what gender I am. But that’s not the point? Please just use those.