Sick Fantasies

Note: Censored to hopefully avoid these dang filters for a bit. Thanks, naughtyposts. My post about how no one seems understanding is being regulated.

What’s up everyone—I have a r4pe fantasy. You may be thinking, “Oh, that’s normal for women!” Except mine aren’t. Everyone I talk to, everything I try to find online, are all women who have “r4pe-lite” fantasies; consensual non consent, ravishment. (Funny thing, I feel superior to these women in some ways. 'They don’t have real r4pe fantasies,' I think.) My fantasies are not about being taken by a handsome man, or being tied up and pleasured by a stranger. No, they are fantasies of being graphically r4ped (no polite euphemisms here) in an alley or a forest or whatever, by someone who has no care for me and no desire to please me, just a lust to tear me apart and break me. Sometimes I end up enjoying it, which adds the element of “fucked up nympho cumming while she’s r4ped.” But that’s mostly cause that’s all I can find on the internet. I submitted one of my recurring fantasies to Literotica’s nonconsent section, and it was rejected for being too much. 26,000 r*pe fantasies in that section, and mine was darker than all of them. Sometimes these fantasies take an even darker turn, veering into what’s known as guro. In these fantasies I am literally tortured, sometimes to the point of death, by guys who fuck me roughly in between torture sessions. At my darkest, I crave reverse n3cr0philia—something so niche that I had to make up a name. I want a guy to kill me and fuck my d34d body. Obviously I wouldn’t actually be dead, cause then I couldn’t experience it, but, you know. Maybe he st4bs me through the chest or sl1ts my throat while he’s pounding into me. Or maybe he cuts a hole in my stomach and fucks the wound. Is this where my weird thing for actual k1llers comes in? I have some friends who are into true crime, but not in a below-the-waist way. It’s like I’m living a double live with them, haha. Amateur criminologist by day, damaged girl getting off to the idea of a gun pressed against her temple by night. Sometimes, these fantasies do have a role reversal aspect—I love the idea of making a man lose control, having him groaning into me, biting into me and drawing blood out of sheer pleasure. I feel I am living a double life—one in which I am extremely vanilla, wanting nothing more than closeness with a man who loves me, and one in which I want a guy to break down that façade and show me what a damaged, broken nympho I am.

Some things to note:

I am not a r4pe victim, and have no history of sexual assault or abuse. Which makes it even worse, cause I am jacking off to the horrible reality of millions of women.

I am a staunch feminist.

I am also a virgin, and completely undesirable.

While I have attempted suicide a few times in the past and feel suicidal occasionally, I am not currently suicidal in my daily life. There is also no correlation between the frequency/intensity of these fantasies and how suicidal I am feeling at the time.

These fantasies sometimes go the other way. Sometimes I do fantasize of hurting and breaking a man. It’s much, much rarer though.

No, I was not raised in a religious and sexually repressed household. I am comfortable discussing sex and sexuality with friends, and I obviously masturbate regularly.

If you want examples to illustrate the kind of stuff I get off on, I can link some.

And no, I do not need your sex-positive “all fantasies are okay, just play it out in a safe way” bull here. This is the product of a seriously broken mind.

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