Online

I'm very conservative and shy by nature. But even the quietest have a wild side. I am almost at the end of my teenage years and single. Up till now, I only had one relation, which is over now (not because of me, but my boyfriend who was interested in his 'best friend' and the girl is now his girlfriend as expected). He lived far away and it was not possible to meet every month. I loved him too much and we even got intimate (not sex though, everything other than that). During the middle of our relationship, I felt a little less wanted by him. He seemed to be more interested in his best friend. I was so overflown with hormones I couldn't help myself. I wanted him so badly. I wanted him to notice me, my body. But his skinny beautiful best friend always seemed to top it. He even called me fat in various ways but ended up saying he liked it soft and chubby. (I'm not fat though, just chubby 36-30-36)
I could not help my urges so one day I opened an account in one of the adult social networking sites. I clicked nudes (just my body) and uploaded them there. I was showered with compliments and somehow I felt a bit happy that people desired me. They made me feel like I was beautiful. I had no intentions of any one night stands though.Nor was I interested in replying to all those msgs with dick pictutes asking me for my number. I just read compliments and felt happy. I did not cheat on my guy by any other means. I do not know, was I actually cheating? I don't know, but I feel guilty. Honestly, I could never think of anyone other than him. He was in my head all the time. Then oneday a guy in this adult site texted me. For some reason I felt like replying and for the first time actually had a chat with someone. At first he was sexting, but then he suddenly wrote, "you're not what you seem like. You are a good girl. What are you doing here?" we started talking. He was depressed and he used to share his problems with me. He started falling in love with me even though he never saw my face, just my private parts. We didn't send nudes to each other, rather we had descent talk on life and personal life on this adult networking site. I felt a sense of pity for him. He pleaded for my love. But I warned him innumerous times that I can't. We can't be together. I did not have feelings for him, just wanted to help him get out of his depression. But the more I tried to help, the more it got worse. He even made me say "I love you" to him though I didn't want to. All the time I was thinking of my boyfriend and thinking by myself that I'm not cheating- I don't have feelings for this guy, my boy is all I want and I love him. And I really meant it. But this online guy, I felt so bad for him. Then one day I decided I had to leave. I had to go away or his life would be ruined. The online guy was rejecting every other girl for me- he just wanted me, desperately and it wasn't possible. I felt I was doing wrong to both- my boyfriend and this online guy. So I left. I saw his mails, yearning for me to talk. I deleted the email id. I abandoned the account on the adult networking site. I simply vanished from his life and concentrated on my boyfriend. It's been 2 years, I just hope he has moved on. I wish I could tell him my real name and we could be friends. He was a nice guy. But I never felt attracted to anyone other than my boyfriend. Was I really cheating? It's eating me inside. He is my ex now, but I still wonder, is it acceptable, whatever I did? Offcourse not acceptable since I never had the guts to confess this to him. Never will.
Maybe I payed for the sin i had done. Helping a guy out of depression only to throw him back into another. I really am a shitty girl.

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