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Lifelong frustration
Hi, I am a very masculine man. I have no feminine features either. But since I was eight years old I have felt like inside of me was a male and a female trying to co-exist..I love to crossdress and to get pounded in the ass by women. I've never been with a man, but when my mind switches to my lady side, all I can do is fantasize about deep throating cock and long to feel real dick deep in my ass. I'll never come out completely because I'd end up destroying what little I have left. I'm not attracted to men at all, but damn do I crave cock and the need to step away from my dominant life and enjoy being someone's fuck toy as long as I could keep my secret. I confess this because I need to find out if I really like dick as much as I dream I do, before I end up depressed and suicidal again...I don't know how to discreetly hook up with a willing top to finally know for sure if it is time to embrace it and tell the world my secrets...once I know for sure I believe I can work on excepting it and finally tell the world that I am a man that needs to be someone's girlfriend to finally balance my two halves..idk what to do!
Life has its moments and we are human with needs that is deep within us. You are reacting these needs and with me being open mind I understand best of this situation. I have all the urges and desires as well and I try to learn of my being and respond at my best. I think when you try to seek out ones for understanding and that does not become a reality then you feel you are left out alone. You are not alone. I like to be support if any for you. We will learn well of each other when ones are listening and caring to give honest thought.
I am glad to hear that you have at least been open to pegging because it sounds like you are bi. I am also bi and am masculine and am divorced after a 12 year marriage. I generally spend time with women, but enjoy being with men as well. Contrary to what many seem to think, we all fall somewhere along the sexual spectrum ranging from completely heterosexual to completely homosexual and most of us fall somewhere in between. We are born that way. I suspect that you may be getting hung up on the thought that finding a man attractive is wrong, which is a script that many of us are taught early in life. I enjoy pegging with my girlfriend, but it is great with the real thing. To the extent that you can do so safely, I also encourage you to try being with a man. You may not like it, but suspect that you will and if you go through your life without trying it, you may regret it.
Actually, you're handling it just fine. Most of us men, in touch with ourselves and reality, find we can enjoy both men and women. It's perfectly okay to enjoy cock, even love it, and at the same time be very masculine, as you are, and enjoy women, too. Just drop the Guilt, take a step back, and realize that you are experiencing Feeling; and feeling are neither right nor wrong. They are just feelings. Be discreet and discriminating and check Craigslist and find some nice cock to try. You'll love it, as most of us do. I'm an avid married cocksucker and proud of both. My wife doess not know I enjoy cock nor would she approve. It's okay to have secrets, but please stop allowing yourself to punish yourself. Enjoy.
Yes I agree with you, live your life, go and explore your self and there are the adventures maybe very rewarding for you but its all up to you to venture on and be happy at best.