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Wrong start
When I was a kid I played doctor with a female cousin, I am a male and was 5 at the time, she was 4. At age 8 I was molested by a male cousin and a friend of his, a couple months after that I did to a different male cousin my same age what had been done to me. At age 10 I rubbed my penis on my sisters butt while she was sleeping. None of this has ever been talked about by me or them as far as I know, but I have been running from it ever since. Im 42 now, have been divorced twice and had more sexual parteners than I care to count while married and not. I dont know if im a complete piece of trash or just screwed up from the start in an alchoholic, abusive family who was abused and molested as a kid. I have been sober 10 years and in my second marriage did not cheat or lie but did get drawn into the porn world which did have a bad affect on my marriage. It seems that sex is all I know and its what I have based my worth on, whether i can conquer and please women. I go to school with younger kids and some of them look up to me, but I just feel like a lie, everything about me feels like a lie that if anyone did know me they wouldnt want too. I enjoy sex as much as anyone I guess but cant seem to have a healthy sex relationship and somewhere before my second wife i managed to come up with herpes which i gave to my her without knowing. So here I am, just out of a 7 mth relationship where i was completely honest from the start about everything, im lonely and bored and all i want is some sex. I think im fucked, so to speak. Thanks for listening and letting me get that out.
I have fucked a girl
Sounds like your childhood was pretty fucked up, but absolutely not your fault, you were a child and not responsible for what was done to you or what you did to others. That is the main thing you must understand to start the healing process and get a grip on your current life. Like they say, you can't change the past, but you certainly can change the future, if you want to badly enough. Some professional counseling might be in order.