Did I cross the line?

Over the years, there have been several times where I've been afraid I had the urge in me to sexually abuse kids. driven by this fear, I've stupidly felt the need to "test" myself in several ways to "make sure" I felt no sexual attraction to children;
- googling "naked children", getting completely nonsexual photos of kids taking baths and such with their genitals visible, and moving my hand closer to my genitals to see if I'd have the urge to masturbate to them; I didn't, I was viscerally repulsed by the very idea, and I couldn't even get my hand _on_ my genitals.
- repeating this "experiment" later; that time, I lay my hand on my crotch which was covered by my pants. I had no urge whatsoever to masturbate, and I took my hand off my crotch.
- walking past a daycare center across the street with some kids playing outside and deliberately looking at the clothed rear of one of them to see if I'd be able to stare at it. I wasn't; after less than a second, I was so repulsed that I could not look there anymore. I tried again with the same results, then moved on.
- lying in bed while thinking about the picture of an underage acquaintance on discord, seeing if it would get me aroused or keep my pre-existing arousal going. (it didn't, in either case.)

it has been years since these events, and I've somehow been able to live while not thinking about these mistakes too much; however, my concerns about what I've done and what that makes me are finally catching up with me to the point where I can ignore them no longer. my own thoughts are going in circles, fearing the worst and still hoping that this can ultimately be alright; I feel as though I need outside judgment to figure out where I stand and whether I deserve to just move on. although I hope for the best, I ask for your honesty.
- have I committed sexual abuse of the children in question by doing these things and seeing the pictures I saw?
- I feared (but didn't know) that these "tests" had the risk of me committing that abuse and performed them anyway; ethically speaking, was it unethical to do what I did while under the assumption those children could be exposed to that risk?
- or is it possible I'm worrying about something that was ultimately not worth worrying about?

finally, I exhort you: if you're facing these same fears, don't do what I've done here. seek a therapist. they've heard it all before, and they will not judge you as disgusting just for having these fears.

By Anonymous 8 min

Strange CONFESSION

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