Closet sub beta curiosity

I'm an older male, 62 as of this confession. I live younger, adore female beauty, and play alpha hetero for the public. Reality? Tiny penis and sub beta queer. I guess I qualify as a closet faggot sexually. A demeaning yet deserved name for me as I've serviced many alpha men's penises through the years. I consider it deserved for the emotional abuse I've added to any relationship I've had with women. I also consider my need to service men a weakness...yet a humiliating need. The main part of this confession is this though. I have an extreme curiosity of being out to assertive, manipulative straight dominant men or curious, strong willed women. My desire to mostly remain safe in my little queer closet. But knowing someone has my name and photo proof that I'm a faggot is both terrifying and intoxicating. Can't seem to shake that need.

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