I ruined my life...

I’m lost. I fucked up my whole world. I am suicidal. I am F 29, married (for now) to the love of my life and my best friend.
We were truly living our best lives together. Great family and friends, great sexually, great jobs, house etc. my husband is my world. We are like two sides of the same coin. We have been friends forever, since Jr High. We both dated others and were always there for each other until we got together after college. It was inevitable, all our friends told us they knew we would end up together.

I like porn and everything about sex and have absolutely no complaints where my husband was concerned. I did have two fantasies though. The Internet is full BBC porn. You can’t avoid it. I became more and more curious about it until it was my first thought every time I met a black guy. I have also never been with two guys at the same time. A BBC threesome became my ongoing fantasy.

We had a new guy start at work, very hot, and long story short I let it happen. I must of been letting off a vibe that led to flirting and a lot of sexual tension. A bunch of us went out for drinks after work and I confessed my fantasy to my new co-worker. I told him (Dwayne) that it was the only thing I would ever consider cheating on my husband for. He was very charming, no pressure, said my fantasy was hot and to let him know if he could help. A few months went by, the flirting continued and was fun, then one day at lunch Dwayne said that he had discussed my fantasy with his friend (referring to me as this super fine white girl at work) and they wanted to make my fantasy a reality. I laughed it off but it was all I could think of. I was rubbing my pussy constantly and toying myself crazy to this fantasy. I started texting Dwayne about it and flirting with the details. When I made it completely clear that it could only be a one time thing and I was convinced that Dwayne was good with that I finally caved.
I was stupid, I told my girlfriend because I wanted help with a cover story. She told me I was crazy. She loves my husband and didn’t want to be involved but I laid on the pressure and the guilt about a secret of hers (that she regrets by the way) and my need to get it out of my system.
So, Girls Nite Out happens. While I am at Dwayne’s my girls are getting drunk at a bar and my BFF is prepared to cover.
At Dwayne’s Im getting railed by two nice cocks, nothing great, my husband is packing and giant cock wasn’t really what I was looking for so much as the taboo nature of the rendezvous having two at once. The DP was great and the absolute best part but the guys were both kinda smelly which was a turn off and both were quick shooters. Overall meh experience and not worth the hype or the cost although I am sure it could gave been different with two different guys......biggest issue no chemistry. I have SO MUCH chemistry with my husband! Well, out of my system. Final review, fun but not worth the risk and effort involved. Already thinking about getting off with hubby.
Back at Girls Nite out my former BFF is drunk and stressed, she spills to one of other friends what is going on who of course calls her best friend who is of course my sister in law.....of course.
After showering, thanking and kissing Dwayne and Mike goodbye I drive home guilty as fuck, full of regret as what I have just done hits me. I plan to fuck my husband sore for the rest of our lives. I start to really stress out and panic for no reason. I pull up to our once happy home , once so full of promise to find a lot of familiar cars in the drive.
When I walk in, everyone is in my kitchen gathered around my husband. His brothers and sister. My parents, his parents, four of our best friends.
Everyone looks pissed as fuck, my Father in Law who I love as much as my own Dad is basically purple and trembling, my parents have looks of disappointment that are so familiar from growing up, everyone else looks angry, worried confused except my husband...one look at him, his face and eyes and my heart breaks. He is broken. He knows, somehow they all know. I don’t even try to deny or explain, I just start crying, saying how sorry I am, I’m kneeling at my husbands feet begging him to come upstairs and talk to me. He looks at me once, he’s empty. It was really the last time he looked at me. He gets up to go upstairs as I think to talk but just starts packing. I rip the bag out of his hand pleading with him to just talk to me, telling him I am sorry. I told him he could have a Hall Pass for the rest of our lives and use it as much as he needed if he would just talk to me and I meant it. But he wouldn’t. He has never said another word to me. He walked downstairs, out the door and out of our lives. Changed his job, his number, moved out of state and nobody will talk to me except our parents whose friendship is now strained and of course our divorce lawyer. Our beautiful home is for sale, most of my friends are gone. Dwayne thought we could hang more which just made me hate him and want to cut his balls off which is really me just hating myself and wanting to open my veins more and more each day.
I was too stupid to take the Morning After pill (due to a broken condom that night) and ended up getting an abortion 2 months later to add to my overwhelming guilt. No idea if my child was also my husbands or not.

Find an honest and open way to fulfill your fantasies or just leave them that way....

8 Comments

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  • Very sorry for you, but you have to think of ways to pick yourself up.
    If you are religious get some pastoral counseling.
    Stop drinking and start working out. Go back to school and/or work
    on your career. You can develop friends who will look past this dark part
    and help you start over.

  • That's right girlfriend your a Blackmans trophy that's what's about ,,,the condom wasn't broken they pinch the end of the condom with their finger nails ripping them and then when they cum they do the final push loading you up....and they come back for more if they don't get you pregnant the first time... 2 of my girlfriends found out the hard way ruining their lives and yes they saw them pinching and cutting the tip...... if a black woman don't want them why would any woman want to deal with that.... a black man will fuck anything that has a hole specially if it's white ... that's really impressive isn't it

  • Wow bet that was not a fun house to walk into.. don't know if I could have gone in knowing that they were all there and probably knew all about it..
    And this is why some of my fantasy's will remain that just fantasy's cause I know my H and that this is exactly what he would do if I cheated :(

  • Too bad you didn't marry a cuck then.

  • Thats a cold but honest confession. Good luck to you. Life isn't over, suicide isn't the answer.

  • I really wish my wife would confess her fantasies to me. Being involved in whatever sexual situation she could imagine would be so hot. I would love to watch my wife pleasure those 2 guys, and I would be eager to "reclaim" her. I have expressed to her how turned on I would be watching her have sex, but she's really not interested in sharing of any kind.

  • Maybe I should have, but I imagined that he would feel that he wasn’t enough for me which would be my first thought if he wanted to be with another woman (let alone two) which is insane because I could never feel that way....,it was just a relentless fantasy, an itch that I had to scratch......unknown and taboo. Like telling a kid they can’t have something they never wanted making it an obsession from then on, that was what it was.
    Now I’m worthless and alone, almost a year and I haven’t had sex once.....I have no desire at all. Even for myself. I have only masturbated a few times and only because of dreams of my ex. I have become a hermit and I’m turning into a drunk.

  • I'm so, so sorry. I hope you're able to find some happiness again.

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