Frustrating fixation

I'm a happily married woman, but i live sexually frustrated and i don't think there's much i can do about it.
it all comes down to a very specific event when i was 16 years old. i was a precocious girl, sexually active since i was 13, so by 16 i was rather experienced. but in retrospect, sex had always been a pleasant but kind of disappointing affair, up to then i didn't even know girls could have orgasms too.
then there was this night when i was going out with my boyfriend at the time. i was all ready when he called me and very rudely told me that the whole thing was up and that he wanted to break up with me, for stupid reasons. i cried myself to sleep in the living room, still all dressed up, until my brother came home, possibly so drunk or stoned (or both) that he didn't see me and he just threw himself on the couch, waking me up. we argued a little, and after asking me what happened with my date and telling him, he walked me to my bedroom... and then i started crying.
maybe you can see where this is going. he tried to console me, i said things about being worthless, he tried so hard to convince me otherwise and complimented me on my looks before kissing me very sweetly on the cheek. now, i always had kind of an attaction for him, something hard to actually resist because he always was very handsome, the college football stud, you know the type. i had never expected the attraction to be reciprocated, so i tried to thank his gesture only by kissing him back, but it was more on the chin than on the cheek. when he kissed me back on the lips, i just let myself go.
and the reason i might be so fixated with that night is because that was the first time a man made love to me. he was sweet and always paid attention to what i was feeling or what i wanted to do. he was considerate enough to try and pull out (i didn't let him, and told him it was ok). that was the first time i had an orgasm.
i don't know if my brother even remembers what happened (and if he does, he hasn't brought it up in almost 20 years since), but we never did it again. and what frustrates me sexualy is that i can count my orgasms in those 20 years only with the fingers in both my hands.
don't get me wrong: i love my husband, he's kind, intelligent, realy caring, responsible and he's good in bed. quite the catch, they would say. he tries really hard to satisfy me, but i've made him aware that it's an issue of mine i have to work on. the only times i could cum when he made love to me, were when i imagined it was my brother instead. of course he doesn't know that.
but my frustration has reached a point in which i even cheated on him, which i'm not proud of. i'm a college teacher, and i once met a student with a stunning resemblance to my brother back then. you can tell where that went. i don't do that anymore, but i have to admit it was one of the most sexually fulfilling experiences of my life.
and i hace considered therapy on my own, but i don't think i could go through with it. i don't think i could ever admit to anyone, not even a professional, that i had sex with my brother and wish i could do it again.

By Anonymous

Family CONFESSION

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