Sexual Relationship with My First Cousin
It should be stated that I have been abused in my life, in all conceivable ways and mostly by my family. It's probably why I feel incest is hot. About 9 months ago my cousin and I were texting about all sorts of things. We'd been talking here and there over that last couple years. He's older than me so we weren't close growing up but began talking after one of our other cousins weddings. It was personal stuff but always on the up and up for around two years. Over that time, however, I'd started thinking about him sexually. He was attractive and fun to talk to and I really didn't think of him as family in the same way as my family that I'm close to. I was also in a painful relationship that I'm sure was pushing me to look for affection elsewhere. I'm not typically a cheater and I think I allowed this to start because it felt safe and like it could lead nowhere. Of Course it did. So, 9 months ago we were texting about sexual behavior and it kept going for hours. The next morning I got a text early and knew it was from him. He'd expressed his excitement over the last night but neither of us said anything outright. I admit, I wanted him to make the first move and I did what I could to get him to make it. He eventually told me that he was thinking of me while he was in the shower that morning. He was picturing me naked with him. I expressed shock and than he freaked out and we didn't talk the rest of the day. I was pretty bummed because I didn't realize I'd scared him away with my text and I just thought he was rejecting me somehow. I'd thought about us meeting innocently and having sex eventually, many times and it seemed my fantasy was being shot down. However, he texted me late in the evening and I let him know that I was happy about what he said with the whole shower thing. We then let each other know that we'd both been thinking of each other sexually for a while. We went off from there. Had phone sex, sent pictures and quickly made plans to see each other. He lives 4 hours from me. Now I should explain that he's married. I'm mortified by this. I feel like women can't even trust family with their men and I'm so sorry about it. I'm a woman who makes it possible for women to be suspicious of even their own family. I'm so sorry. I've never had an affair with a married man before, I don't think I'll ever do it with another man. At any rate, we booked a hotel and I went to go see him. We had sex, 6 or so times. Doggie style was my favorite but it was great facing him and kissing too. It was dirty by it's very nature but actually felt very intimate. I sucked him off. He ate me out. We really got into it. Eventually he had to leave and I must admit, I was so sad to see him go (wasn't sure we'd ever do this again) I cried. We haven't seen each other since but it's more my fault than anything. I flip flop on my feelings about the extramarital affair. Well not flip flop, but tell myself, it's no big deal cause he isn't in love with her anyway and other times I know it's a really big deal because he's lying to her and if he isn't in love, he should tell her, leave and let her have an opportunity to find someone who does. It's weird though. They don't even sleep in the same room and very rarely have sex. I have the unusual opportunity of knowing what he says is true because I knew about all of it before the sexual relationship started. At the time we were just family exchanging our stories. Anyway, we talk all the time and are still interested in fucking. I am sure my interest stems from my abusive past. He is ten years older than me and even though I'm an adult there is something so hot about that. I had a crush on him when I was very little and it formed right after a terrible sexual/emotional abuse occurred. As a very little girl, I stripped down and waited for him to find me. He did but it didn't go anywhere. I was 4 so it's good that it didn't. That would have caused more trauma and he's not that disgusting. So I know why I feel the way I do. I don't know why he does. In a loveless marriage maybe. Has abusive tendencies? I have to confess however, I find it hot. I love the idea of him using my pussy for his pleasure. I love the idea of him seeing me like that. Only in the moment though. Does that make sense? It kind of sickens me outside of the context of masterbation and sex. While in it, it's all I want. I want him to say abusive things and let me know I'm only there for his pleasure and that he can do whatever he wants. So there. I had sex with my cousin I love to feel him inside of me, I love to taste his cum and I hope to do it again! Strange?