I know what I want to do, I'm just not sure if I should

I'm 38F, single mom to a 17 year old son. He's a good son and we have a good life together. We're not struggling to pay bills or buy food. As bad as it sounds, our life got a lot better after his father passed away in an accident at work. The insurance money helped us a lot.

A couple of months ago I was finishing up the laundry. My son was in the bath, or so I thought. I had an armful of his laundry and when it took it to his room I just opened the door only to see my son on his bed, masturbating and moaning, "Oh mom.." while he was cumming! I don't know if he saw me or not but he definitely heard me drop the laundry and slam the door closed. A little bit later he came downstairs and it was awkward, to say the least. It was kind of that way for a few days and then things went back to normal. They went back to normal as far as being in the house together, but they didn't go back to normal for me. The image of him cumming and moaning my name stuck with me and I didn't know how to handle it. I tried to ignore it as best as I could, and I thought I was doing that pretty well. Until one night when I was feeling the urge. I laid in my bed and was touching myself. Out of nowhere the image of him cumming and moaning came to my mind. When it did I felt the first little twinge of an orgasm starting. I tried to think about other things, and I did, right up until the moment I started to cum and then all I thought about was him cumming while thinking about me. I felt dirty and told myself it wouldn't happen again.

Every time I would touch myself I would remember that. Then it got worse. I would be touching and these thoughts would come into my head. Thoughts like, how would it be and what would he do if I gave him a hand job. The sight of him cumming was exciting. How would it be if I let him play and suck my breasts while he rubbed my pussy? What would it be like if I were to give him a blow job and let him cum in my mouth or on my face and tits? (Something I've always loved btw). The hardest one of all, and the one that always enters my mind when I'm cumming is, what would it be like if it was his cock inside of me making me cum? Would he moan my name as his cock throbbed inside of me, filling me with his cum?

I'm scared. Very, very scared that I may not be able to control myself much longer. I haven't been with a man in over 6 years. I try to rationalize it and tell myself that it would be safer for me to do those things with him rather than some man that I really don't know all that well. I tell myself I don't have time for a relationship, and I really don't, but I don't want a string of one night stands every time I want sex. Then the other side kicks in. What kind of mom would fuck her own son? That's disgusting? Right?

I'm going to have to do something. Maybe counseling or something? I don't think I can win this battle because when I'm truly honest with myself I have to admit that yes, I want my son to fuck me. Yes, I want to fuck my son. I want him to explore, enjoy and pleasure my body as much as I want to explore, enjoy and pleasure. The thought, and even image, of hearing him say "Oh mom..." as he's cumming in my hand, my mouth, or my pussy drives me insane. If any other mom's on here have run into this, please HELP ME!

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