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Stupid fucking idiot relapses and says dumb shit online
Im a recovering/often relapsing sex and porn addict. ive gone off the deep end lately due to coping with my cat being sick again (prognosis 1 year after cancer surgery and it's about that time), my wife saying she's incredibly unhappy in our relationship (other than the sex), not knowing what the fuck to do at my new job, and just generally being unable to keep up with the house, mostly our outdoor property im left to deal with solo (wife will mow once a year in may and call it good -- then thats left to me along with gardening, treatments, trees, etc.).
anyway
im on my usual prowl/high chasing/masturbatory binge on some sex chatroom. someone posing to be a girl posts a cropped picture of breasts, with a barely visible mouth as well. she says she loves it when men guess her age and are wrong. obviously, 18+ is the pretense for this site, so i guessed 15 to be wild and maybe even funny. she says "almost." instead of immediately clicking off of that red flag/pedophilic chat, i say the worst thing ive ever said in my life "i think that makes it hotter"
*finally* the bomb goes off in my stupid fucking monkey brain that either this person really is a child, or is peddling CSAM, or is pretending to do either.
i click off the browser entirely.
im not even one for ageplay. it creeps me out too much. "barely legal" porn is just gross to me as well.
i dont know what kind of monster emerges when im on this taboo, thrill-seeking sexual binge/bender. i have had plenty of normal, pleasant, and fun chats despite being an addict who should be 1000 miles away from these sites. i dont know what the fuck came over me. i earnestly despise both AP fetish (no shame but its not my cuppa) and obviously have a strong disdain child exploitation because i am human being. why on earth would i say something like that to someone who could have very well been underage. what the fuck. the high chasing has gone way too far. im restarting therapy but its 2 weeks out. i cant talk to anyone about this either. i fear it would destroy any relationship with anyone that i have.
ive spent the last couple days panicking, crying, suicidal. i dont know how i could do that. i thought i hit rock bottom before, but now im truly there. im a grownass man being a fucking creepy piece of shit for no reason when i have a good sex life at home and everything to lose.
i fucking hate myself so much. it feels like theres no moving on or turning back from this. im truly fucked in the head. i dont want to keep living knowing what im capable of. i thought i was better than my dad, who in large part left our family due to infidelity and horrendous fetishes that disgusted even the phone sex worker, enough that she called our house back and warned my mom. turns out the apple doesnt fall far. turns out i'll straight up lie online just to get off, to get a hit of dopamine and sexual excitement.
Don't beat yourself up. Check out some porn, erotica, or message boards like here, but stay off of the live chat sites. They are poison to your very soul and will cause trouble.