My cousin used to play with my pussy

My cousin started playing with my pussy when I was about 7. I didn't know it was wrong for him to do so. I would always get excited when I would go stay with my aunt and cousins. We would play sex games and he would play with my pussy and it felt so good. He would rub his dick all over my pussy. He licked it a couple of times and showed my how to lick his cock. If I went over there and he wasn't showing interest in molesting me I would get disappointed. Sometimes we would go play in the woods behind his house and all we would do was play with each other. I loved it and it's still what I think about when I'm horny to this day. He was about 5 years older than me. This one time I regret was I was in the living room with him, I was around 12 and at that time, and he was giving me a back rub. At the time he hadn't been really touching me so I didn't think much about it. Then his hand touched my nipple. I thought it was an accident, but then he started doing it more. So I let him. I got super wet and horny. I started telling him to rub lower, but he was scared my aunt would walk in, and my other cousin kept coming in and out of the living room where were playing. He tried to convince me to go into the woods so he could rub my pussy, but at this point I started to realize that what we were doing was wrong. So I didn't. Instead I went to the bathroom and rubbed my wet pussy until I came. I went back into the living room and just let him rub on my tits. I could feel his dick rock hard and loved feeling him rub it across my pants. Now I always wish that I had gone out with him so he could've fucked me. So I fantasize about it all the time. My other cousin walked in on us playing one time and he had to stop playing with my pussy. I don't talk to him much, he's not very attractive, but knowing he molested me all those years just makes me horny. I've thought about inviting him to meet up and then just fuck the whole time. But every time I go to write him to talk about how we used to play when we were young, I chicken out. It would be hard now to meet up with him because the family knows what happened between us. I want to just live out this fantasy though. He's also miles and miles away. I know it's really fucked up, but he has a daughter and I wanna know what their relationship was like. When I fuck now, I literally think about him playing with me and close my eyes and think of him fucking me.